Always with me

Friday, July 19, 2013

My early grief was so all-consuming.  It was like I'd left this world that I know and was zapped into a completely different universe - one of complete pain.  I could not escape from the longing, missing, questioning, begging, questioning, mourning.  I barely left my home.  I spent a lot of time in bed, covers pulled over my head.  All of my energy, all day long was devoted to grieving.  

When I think about how far we have come in two years, I am reminded of the resilience of the human spirit.  I can't believe that we are here - in a place where we socialize, laugh with each other, enjoy many parts of our new lives.  It is remarkable.  I feel really grateful.

The intense pain is right below the surface.  It takes so much effort for me to focus on anything other than how much I miss him.  Being in this new place sometimes make me feel like I have left Maxie behind.  Like I've abandoned him.  I feel like my joy betrays my love for him.  I feel just sick about that.

But, the truth is that he is ALWAYS on my mind.  ALWAYS.  I am literally never not thinking about him.  This is why I don't remember conversations that I've had with friends and colleagues and why I have to keep track of everything that I am doing at work in a spreadsheet.  I literally turn on my computer in the morning and I can't remember what I was working on the day before until I look at the spreadsheet and remind myself.  I read back what I've written and think, "I wrote that?"  My brain is literally mush.  Thinking about Max all day long while trying to accomplish other tasks is so hard but I am grateful for that too.  I don't want him to stray too far from me.  

I often long for the days when I was still in hell.  It's strange.  I know.  I should just be grateful for having made such progress.  But, the thing about this progress is that I feel like I've lost a piece of my connection.  Grief kept us close, and now he feels so far away.  It has been two years since I last fed my baby breakfast, watched him play with his dogs, and dropped him off at daycare.  I can hardly stand how much I miss him.

I love you to the moon and back (and back and back and back) Maxie.  You are never off my mind - You are always in my heart.  I love you.






 

9 comments:

Bianca said...

My heart is always with you and your sweet family, Ab, always. And I am especially sending love today and thinking about the beautiful, bouncing boy who I saw right before his little spirit moved on. Your adorable little one will be special to me for the rest of my days. Sending much love.

Taryn said...

Such a sad day. I'm hoping for all the very best that these days can offer because I know they will be especially painful. Praying for you, and crying along with you. Hugs.

jessica said...

I love you Maxie. You are always in my heart - so loved and so missed. xoxo Auntie Jess

Abby, I'm sending you and Ted all of my love and strength today and the next few days. I am so, so sorry that these days exist for you. I am so sorry that Maxie is not here. I love you all so much and I hope that the next few days pass as gently as possible. We will light our candle for Maxie on Sunday. xo

Seeing Each Day said...

Yes, Abby, your words make complete sense.

PJ said...

thinking of you and your beautiful Maxie.

Becca said...

I've been thinking about you all day, Abby.

Em said...

I completely and totally 'get' this post. I wish for those days too sometimes. But not for the endlessness of them. Just a taste of hell again. A day spent close and grieving hard for my girl. Oh, how I get this.

Jayden's Mommy said...

Hi Abby I'm sorry about these days. But no matter where we were today ( the hospital in my case). We were thinking of Max. You have definitely kept his memory alive. One sweet day we would get to meet him. Much love and prayers coming your way. Kira

Anonymous said...

My heart is aching for you and your family :-( It is just not fair that you have to go through this. I will be thinking about your precious Maxie and sending love and prayers to your family. I wanted to share this blog with you. This blog is written by a woman who lost her sweet boy a year before you lost your Maxie. She understands what you are going through.

http://da.savillefamily.org/

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