On edge

Monday, July 15, 2013

I am feeling so on edge.  I have really been busying my mind, trying to keep myself thinking about anything other than this upcoming anniversary of losing Max and the three most horrific days of our lives.  It's just sitting at the surface though.  Whenever I find myself alone (not often these days), I burst into tears - in the bathroom, in the shower, in the car (I'm rarely in the car without Mo but when I am - it's like my eyeballs explode).  I barely even want to talk to anyone about it anymore - because they understand less and less as time goes on.  Ted is feeling it too - he's been listening to music all of the time (in the car, while working on his construction site, while walking the dogs) that makes him think of Max.  He feels like he is torturing himself, but he can't stop.  I think I've been holding on to some fantasy that he would be coming back somehow.  That I would have heard him or seen him by now and it is just more and more real as time goes on that he is gone forever.  I am struggling right now to get through these days and praying that the load lightens somewhat by the time we reach Mo's birthday next week.  I just wish it wasn't THIS hard.  

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know it is so hard. Somehow everytime I went to see the therapist, I was expecting she would bring my daughter back to me and I would be fixed. No, that's never going to happen. I won't be fixed forever. I hope you gain some strength for you to get through that dreaded day and find many comforts and joy on Mo's birthday.

Grace

Bianca said...

I'm so sorry for how hard it is to live without your Maxie, for how unfair it is that he isn't here. It is so completely devastating that your beautiful son isn't with you and Teddy and Mo. I can hear your heartache and my heart hurts with yours. Sending love.

Taryn said...

I am so sorry it hurts so horribly. Maxie is such an amazing, amazing boy. Just looking at that angelic face with his soft, beautiful, joyful eyes is enough to make your heart break knowing he is not here with those who love him more than anything else they've ever known (excepting Mo...he's clearly incredibly loved and cherished in the same manner). I am so sorry. I am thinking about you and your family...and especially remembering your sweet, beautiful baby boy these tender days and weeks. Sending you ALL love. oxoxox.

jessica said...

I wish there was a way to help you and Teddy through the next week and to make those 3 days pass gently and without breaking your hearts. I'm so sorry that you have to live through those days at all. It is so unfair and so heartbreaking that Maxie is not here with you. I'm so sorry. I'm holding you, Ted, Mo and beautiful Maxie in my heart and sending you strength and love. I love you all so very much. xo

Anonymous said...

I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your blog, and your honesty. thank you thank you thank you.

Jayden's Mommy said...

Sorry Abby. It seems very unreal. I wish it was not as hard. Much love and the only thing that help me not to cry all day long was to hold the other 3 very tight. U doing everything you can possible to keep on. Everyone should understand and if they don't its their problem.

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