I have to imagine that part of the reason that my grief feels so close to the surface these days is because we are back in July.  I have been eagerly anticipating July, because Mo is turning one!  But, just two days before his birthday is the anniversary of Maxie's passing.  Is this really my life?  It's just unbelievably crazy, isn't it?  I'm always shoving down the grief and trying to focus on the happiness and love but it seems like this month is really intensifying that struggle.  And, it's like I couldn't quite wrap my brain around what was going on until it registered yesterday that we are back in July and how much I think I hate this month - even though Gigi (Ted's mom - actually named Bonnie)'s birthday is on the 19th, my dad's birthday is on the 20th and Mo's birthday is on the 23rd.  July 19th marks Maxie's incident (and the day I believe his spirit actually left our world) and the 21st marks the last time I kissed my sweet boy.  It's all too sickening to be true.  I miss him so much.  The missing never gets any easier....it just doesn't.


jessica said...

It is unbelievably unfair. The constant juxtaposition of the happy and the devastating in your lives is heart breaking and unfair. I don't know how you could begin to wrap your head around this month and all that it holds. It is so exciting to be celebrating Mo's 1st birthday! But knowing that the 2nd anniversary of Maxie's passing is just around the corner floors me and it sickens me to think about you guys having to survive through another year without your beautiful boy. I am so sorry that this is the reality that you live in. I am so sorry that sweet Maxie is not here with you. I miss your boy and think of him every day. I know that you guys will make sure that Mo has the best 1st birthday celebration that he can have and that you will smile and kiss and hug him and try to have some "normalcy" in that day. But I know how heart broken you are to be marking Maxie's anniversary just 2 days before. We are here for you in spirit, in person...however you need us. We love you, Teddy, Maxie and Mo so very much and we will celebrate and honor both of your boys to the best of our abilities on their days. xoxo

Em said...

Dear Abby,
The juxtaposition of joy and grief is so unreal. Just a little over 3 weeks after Maxie died...Eva joined him. I can relate. Except July for us is not quite as hard as August. August is going to be brutal once again.

Jayden's Mommy said...

This is completely understandable. I don't want the month of February to exist. Jaydens incident was the 4th and the 6 th is when we said good bye. When I got pregnant with Kyle and I was told my duedate was February 6 th. I cry so much and that's why we decided to induce at 39 weeks. It might sound crazy but I didn't want to take the chance to have him be born February 6 th. and I needed him so much before those dates, but those dates were horrible and I know each year they will be.. It's like a reminder he is gone. I'm sorry my friend . Kira

Keira said...

Dear Abby,
I've never had the courage to comment previously, but I've been following your blog for a year now, and your writings have greatly helped me. First, I'm so very sorry for your terrible loss. What a beautiful boy you have in Maxie! I really enjoy all of Mo's pictures too!
I can relate to this being a horribly difficult month. Our daughter suddenly stopped breathing in our home on July 14, 2011 and died 15 days later in the hospital of unknown causes (SIDS). We then welcomed our son, our second child, almost a year later on July 19. Reliving our "lasts" with Anna as we remember our final weeks with her, yet celebrating our son's arrival (and now his first birthday!) is so difficult. I will be thinking of you all as you face this month. Happy birthday to Mo!
Sincerely, Keira