Seeing Ted suffering - so sad and missing Max so much - it tears me apart.  I feel so helpless.  I want to run to him and hold him but when he feels this way, he wants space.  The best thing I can do for him is nothing.  "Nothing" = sucks.  When I feel like he feels, I want to be held and told that what happened is the most unfair, most terrible thing in the world and that Maxie was the most wonderful, beautiful, special baby ever.  That never really happens from the people I want it from most.  We do for each other what we want done for ourselves and those things often don't match up.  I feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do to help ease the trauma of this insane blow.  I just try to acknowledge it, because I want to remind him that he is not alone.  I am here with him.  Always will be.

I feel so protective of him.  I can't help him but hell if I am going to let anyone near him to hurt him.  I am trying to get over it, but it is really hard.  I've wanted so badly for him to get the support he needed from various people in his life and when certain people acted inappropriately, I got very angry about it.  A couple of people who were around us during the weeks after we lost Maxie acted so inappropriately, I felt insulted - like they'd really disrespected Max and our loss.  However, I felt so much more disappointed and angry FOR Ted - that they couldn't be there for him, that they couldn't say how awful this all was and how sad they were that it had happened to our baby, and that Ted is an incredible person and father who did not deserve this!  And, you know sometimes Ted shared this anger and disappointment with me and sometimes he didn't.  Mostly he didn't because he was usually trying to protect those people from me (and my wrath I guess).  It is one thing if are inappropriate and dismissive with me but you'd better sleep with one eye open if you mess with Ted!  

It's taken me a really long time to realize this, but my feelings just cause him more stress. He'd rather just overlook the bad behavior of those people and my being pissed off makes it hard for him.  I think I just have to grit my teeth and bare it.  They really aren't my battles and even while I am writing this I am having to convince myself of this - they acted like Max's death was no big deal, they were insensitive, they made inappropriate jokes........I could go on and on..... But, they aren't MY people to get rid of (because, believe me, if they were....but they aren't).  I have cleaned my house.  That is about the best I can do.  His battles are not my battles, especially when he doesn't choose to battle at all.  Especially when it causes him more sadness and distress.


Rachael Petru Horowitz said...

abby, your emotional capacity is incredible...what true love you have for ted to express such awareness of the difference between his needs vs. your needs. and, even more amazing, that you are trying to "grit your teeth" and refrain from pursuing battles that you see aren't yours to fight. restraint in the name of love and partnership is so big, so important. props to you, lady!!!!

Rose said...

So truthful and loving, Abby.