I must have the most patient nanny in the world.  At least one thousand times a day, I remind her of the potential hazards that could hurt Mo.  "Remember to break that into small pieces", I say.  "Ok", she replies.  "Remember not to put your hot coffee in the stroller cup holders - there is even a warning on the stroller.  You could trip and spill coffee on the baby!"  "I remember", she says.  "Make sure that he doesn't get too close to that trash can, it could topple on him!"  "Good point", my nanny says.  I am so grateful for her maturity and self confidence.  She knows that she is taking good care of my baby and how much I love her for that.  She never ever takes it personal that I am constantly worrying about Mo.  She knows that.....

I am an overprotective Mother.

All of Maxie's months, I worried about him.  I said all of the same things, "Remember not to heat breast milk in the microwave - it creates hot spots."  Everyone rolled their eyes at me.  "We've taken care of children before and they grew up fine", they'd say.


Obviously, my child will not grow up.  I cannot even believe that I spent so much time voicing my concerns about his safety, enduring so many eye rolls, and then he went to daycare one day and stopped breathing.  My heart is so heavy.  My life so uneasy.  My overprotective nature is more intense than ever.  WOULDN'T YOURS BE?

When I was pregnant with Mo, I warned everyone.  "I will be very overprotective.", I said time and time again.  "Of course you will be", everyone replied.  "Please don't be offended when I repeat the same worries and remind you of safety precautions a thousand times", I said. "We will understand", they'd say. I thought that they really would too.  They don't.  It is incredibly disappointing and frustrating.

I don't point out safety hazards to people because I think they are stupid.  I do it because if I hadn't read it myself, I'd 100% be microwaving breast milk.  If I hadn't read the warning label - my tall soy latte would be in my stroller's cup holder.

I am not planning on becoming a super easy going mother any time soon.  I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO MAKE SURE THAT I NEVER GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.  I won't always be able to dance around egos to make sure that when I am voicing valid concerns  or raising important questions about my child's safety that I am also choosing my words in a way that doesn't make them feel picked on. My overprotectiveness is equal opportunity. I would give directions to the "super nanny" if she were watching my kids.  I will have to rely, to a certain extent, on people understanding that I am a mother who has already lost a child and who is naturally overprotective anyway.  I would hope that they might at least have the maturity and self confidence of my 24 year old nanny. I WISH I had been more assertive about Max.  In fact, the idea that I may not have been assertive enough, because I was worried about hurting someone's feelings and I didn't want my overprotective nature belittled again, has kept me up many many nights. If I had been more assertive, maybe Maxie would be here now.

My child's safety is much more important to me that anyone's feelings - no matter what.   I am his mother! That is how it should be.  I am tired of making apologies. Please humor me. It shouldn't have to be this difficult.


Em said...

The sad reality is that no matter how overprotective we may be we can never really do everything to keep them alive. We can 'do' everything right and our kids still die...then there are people who strap themselves into seatbelts with their kids and are fine. It's unjust, it's unfair and it sucks...but it's the truth. I'm glad you have such a great nanny.

Becca said...

It's wonderful that you have a supportive and caring nanny! So great for all of you. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone, ever.

Jayden's Mommy said...

There is many people that don't understand even the simple things. Jared says to me it doesn't matter if people rolled their eyes or not. If your nanny probably the person that Mo spends the most time with besides you and Ted is understanding and caring that's all it matters. If my aunt who only sees my kids twice a year thinks I'm ex averaging because I have a monitor in son. Cameras in his room. That's her problem. I need to do and you need to do everything to make sure our boys live.