The children

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

One of the many reasons that it was so easy to fall in love with Ted was his ability to connect to children.  Ted is so good with kids.  He loves them and they love him.  My favorite memories of Ted are of him being followed around like a Pied Piper by his many little adoring cousins and always by my niece Mandy.  At one Frasier Family Reunion (Ted's mom's family), the cousins literally lined up to take turns having Teddy throw them up into the air one after the other while they giggled and giggled.  We both love children.  We love meeting our friends new children, we love playing with them, we loved talking about the children we would one day have.  I loved studying all of the kids at Max's daycare.  They were all so cute.  All with such different personalities.  All with such different relationships to my Max.  One of the many things that has happened since Max died that makes everything so extra sad is that we can hardly even look at children anymore.  It literally pains us to be too close to children, playing with their siblings, cuddling with their parents, it physically hurts both of us.  When I see and talk to my friends these days, I don't even ask about their kids.....their kids that I love.  I don't even ask about them.  I can't see them, even in pictures.  I hardly check Facebook, but when I do, I make sure to check from my iphone because then the application won't open to the newsfeed.  If I see the newsfeed, I might see my friends children, I might spot photos of a birthday party, or an especially fun day in the park, I might see birth announcements or sleepover parties.  My heart breaks and I feel so selfish.  I love these kids and I can't even think about them without feeling my heart break.  The worst of all are the kids that were born around the time Max was...even those that are a little older and younger.  Friends I shared pregnancy with, who I shared the first months of Maxie's life with, who I assumed I would spend the whole of Max's growing up making play dates and sharing advice with....I can't see them.  I can't avoid them forever either and I don't know what to do.  I am ashamed.  I don't know how to fix the situation but since I am not seeing any children now, I don't have to worry about it just yet.  But, eventually, I will have to see Maxie's peers.  The thought scares me to death.  If I were someone else judging me, I would think, "Get over it.  People have kids and their kids are wonderful" but, this is ME judging me and all I do all day is judge myself and my biggest challenge every single day is trying to find enough compassion for myself to keep going through another day without Max.  For now, seeing stranger's kids is hard be honest, even being with my nieces has been hard, especially because they loved Max so much.  I am just doing the best I can do and I know it isn't good enough.  It makes me sad how much everything has changed.  How SO many of the things that used to bring us joy now bring us pain.  Even the best things on earth - little babies and children.  Who would have ever thought?


Jessica said...

It is good enough. You are doing the best that you can do and it IS good enough. You don't have to worry about fixing the situation. You and Teddy just concentrate on taking care of yourselves and surviving day to day. One day maybe you'll be ready. Maybe you won't, and that is okay too. Please don't feel ashamed. You are living through the absolute worst thing a person could ever live through. I am so sorry for how your world has changed and all the things that used to be joyful and are now so painful. I am so, so sorry that Maxie is not here with you. Please know that you can take all the time in the world that you need to. We will still be here and we will still love you. No matter what. xo

Bianca said...

sweetie, you and teddy are doing everything you can to just stay afloat and it is more than good enough. anyone who judges you or asks for more is sorely lacking in compassion. I am so sad how everything has changed too and mostly that your maxie is not in your arms.

Meg said...

You don't know me. I stumbled upon your blog through a comment you left on someone else's blog, and I can't not tell you how incredibly sorry I am about the loss of your beautiful son. I also think you're being much too hard on yourself--frankly, I don't think you should feel the least bit guilty even if you never want to see your friends' children ever again. If you were my friend, I would more than understand that.

Please know that someone out there you've never met is heartbroken for you and praying to a God she doesn't even really believe in for you and your family.

Amy said...

No judgment, Abs. All you can do is what you are doing now to get through the next day, the next hour, the next minute. How can anyone ask more of you? I have faith that you and Ted will find joy again but for now I think it's OK to be as selfish as you need to be to survive. xoxoxo

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