Missing Maxie

Time is moving in slow motion.  I can't believe it has only been four and a half months.  It feels like it has been a lifetime.  Last night, we had some crazy winds.  I heard that they were up to 100 MPH.  Our Eucalyptus tree was dropping mad branches on our roof all night.  I was worried that Maxie's tree was going to blow over.  At one point, I actually thought to myself that I wanted to bring the baby into our room.  But, then I remembered, I don't have to protect the baby, because he is already gone.  I already failed the job of protecting my baby.  And, that's the kicker - I thought I was such a good mother.  I knew I was utterly devoted to him.  I can't begin to tell you how I read and researched about first foods, and best nutrition and we've already gone over all of the pumping I did.  I literally would pump and drive because I often didn't have time in between appointments to pull over and pump on the street and my job was not an office job (but, believe me, I pumped there too).  Not that I actually think breastfeeding matters now since a woman in my online support group lost her baby WHILE she was breastfeeding him.

I woke up this morning thinking about Maxie's baths, something I think about a lot.  Giving your baby a bath is really a warm and nurturing time.  It was my favorite time.  I was remembering the steps I took with each bath.  Lifting the arms and cleaning the armpits, and cleaning behind his ears, and shampooing his hair.  He hardly had any hair but who doesn't love a nice scalp massage?  I just knew it felt good and I wanted him to be relaxed and loved.  We had this little brush that we would brush his hair with in the bath. I always parted his hair on the right and combed it over.  It was a little nerdy looking when wet but soooooo cute.  Ted liked to brush Max's hair into a Caesar-do.  Either that or just straight back.  Once it dried, it mostly just ended up the same.  There wasn't enough of it for a real hair-do.  A few weeks before he died, I bought him a bunch of little board books at Costco, including this little waterproof book about duckies.  I would give it to him every night in the bath and he would hold on to it, chew it, look through it.  I love to picture him in the bath, "reading" his little duckie book and smiling with his nerdy comb over.  I loved giving him soft kisses on his wet cheeks.  I loved hoisting him out of the bath and wrapping him in a towel and making him feel warm and cozy.