Tomorrow

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The day before Maxie stopped breathing I went to lunch with my old grad school internship supervisor.  He has remained a mentor and a friend to me through the years and we like to catch up every few months.  When I was the intern in his office, he used to talk about his children a lot.  He has three, Oren, the girl, and the baby....that is what he called them back then.  They have grown up a lot since we worked together ten years ago.  He asked me what it was like being a new mom and I told him it was the very best thing that ever happened to me.  Being Max's mommy was BY FAR the most wonderful and amazing thing that had ever happened to me...without a doubt.  He teased me a little bit, "Better than your internship with me?", he asked.  "Yep, even better than that."  Anyway, he told me that the kids had grown up so much that Oren, his oldest, was about to get his drivers license.  "Doesn't that scare you?", I asked.  Frankly, I was such a distracted teenage driver that it has always freaked me out that one day I would have a kid who would want to drive a car.  Actually, I have always thought that the drinking age should be lowered and the driving age should be raised.  I don't want my kid driving until he is at least 21.  But, of course, as a parent you need to let go and trust that things will be ok.  We talked about teenage drinking too.  I always thought I would be one of those parents that would say, "It is ok if you are going to drink," because let's face it...they are going to drink, "but please do it at home with me."  He got me thinking about the messages that sends to a teenager though - does that mean that you are condoning teenage drinking?  And, if they drink with you, aren't they going to go drink with their friends?  And get in cars?  Or overdo it?  Honestly, it was SO much to think about, it was making me stressed out and anxious.  "Thank god Maxie is only nine and a half months and I have years left to think about all of this stuff", I said.  Little did I know, Max would stop breathing the very next day.  I went home that night and hugged my little monkey tight.  I looked into his eyes and knew that he would make good decisions and be responsible.  I knew he would always be my baby no matter how big he got.  I was so grateful for his love.  As a parent, do you need to let go and trust that things will be ok?  If you don't, you are overprotective and your kids will be resentful.  Left up to their own decision making, all hell could break loose.  But, never, in one million years, would I have thought that I needed to worry about it then.  I feel guilty and sick that Max was at daycare while I was at lunch.  Was it even realistic to think I could have been with him every minute of every day?  I know my future children are doomed to have a hovering mom.  There is no way around it though I will do my best because I want my children to experience life.  But, that is just it!  I want them to live!  People express their worry for Ted and I.  We will some day see light again.  We will be happy again.  We will have more children. My thoughts are almost completely centered on Max and what he didn't get.  I sent him to daycare so I could go to work and I really trusted that he was doing well and would be ok.  Now I would sell my soul to go back in time and make different decisions.  I only care about what Max won't have.  He won't get to grow up.  He won't get to be rebellious.  He won't go to sleepaway camp.  He won't ever fall in love.  He won't drink or drive or get to show me how good and responsible he is.  He got nine and a half months and that was it.  My child.  It still doesn't seem real.  What's my point?  I don't know.  I guess I wouldn't say the point is to worry extra hard because something terrible might happen....though, when I look back, I am embarrassed and horrified that I thought sending him to daycare while I went to work was what was best for my baby and my family.  I guess my point is just to cherish every minute (and frankly, sometimes it makes me MAD that my loss should be something that just helps others to realize how good they have it).  However cliche it may sound, we really don't know what tomorrow will bring.

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