Five Months without my baby

Monday, December 19, 2011

It has been five months since the last time my baby smiled at me.  Since the last time I buckled him into his carseat.  It has been five months since the last time I dropped my happy baby at daycare.  Why did I drop him there that day?  Why did I go for a bike ride?  Why did I have a lunch meeting planned?  I want to die.  This is so hard.  I miss him so much and what a stupid word.  I long for him.  I can't live without him.  This is too much to bear.  Why did this happen to me?  To Max?  To Teddy?  To us?  I am going crazy and I can't hardly contain it.  I don't recognize the moans coming from my throat because they aren't even human.  Oh GOD!  Why?  Why does Max not have a life with his mommy and daddy?  We love him so much!  What will the rest of my life be without him?  I can't concentrate on one minute at a time!  I want to be looking forward to the future of my one and only!  I am so sad.  I am not sure how much longer I can take this.  I would give everything I have for one more chance to nuzzle his soft cheeks, to play with the small lock of hairs on the back of his head, to sit him in my lap and put my arms around him.  Anything I have!  I can't believe I have to wait a whole lifetime before I get to be with him again....whether that is one week or fifty years - it is TOO long!  I am going crazy.

5 comments:

Jessica said...

I am so, so sorry. I have no answers. How I wish I did. It is so tragically unfair and horrendous. More than anything I wish that your beautiful little Maxie was here with you and Teddy. Sending all the love in the world to you, Teddy and precious Maxie. xo

Bianca said...

I am so sorry this happened to you and Teddy and Maxie, to your sweet family. It so unfair and so sad and so painful that your joy was ripped from you like this. I can only imagine your unrelenting agony, your broken heart, your grief and longing for your delicious, amazing son. This tragedy is beyond comprehension.

Amy said...

I am so sorry, Abby. None of this is right. I am so sad for you. Sending love and support to you and Ted.

Ántonia Shimerda said...

I'm so sorry. It just sucks.

Kim said...

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, in which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell.
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

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