End of Days

Sunday, December 25, 2011

While people all over the world went to sleep last night with the anticipation of today's joy, I went to bed last night (as I do all nights) dreading the morning.  The morning is such hell for me that I try to stall out the night as much as possible.  That doesn't mean I stay up late, because we don't.  Grief is exhausting and we spend all night looking at the clock wondering how it is only 8:30 or 9 pm.  But, once we lay down, I try to keep up some conversation or watch tv in bed because I do not want to go to sleep....because going to sleep means eventually having to wake up...and waking up means waking up to this nightmare AGAIN.  Can I just say how FORTUNATE I feel today that I do not celebrate Christmas?  Last year Ted's cousins and their children were in town for Christmas (they do celebrate it) and they came over to see Max.  They looked so cute in their PJs, which they stay in all day as a treat on this holiday. Anyway, they were having a hard time wrapping their brains around the idea that the day that was most special for them was only Saturday for us.  Well, I am "thrilled" that today is just Sunday.  The pain of Halloween and Thanksgiving was brutal....Christmas must nearly kill bereaved parents.  Just knowing that today is a day that all of Max's daycare friends are sitting around trees and opening presents and getting kisses and love from their mommies and daddies makes my head spin.  How is the world so backwards now that everything that made us happy before makes us extra sad now?  This week has been special because it has been the Apocalypse week on the H2 channel.  Instead of watching "A Christmas Story" 5 times like most years, I watched a special on Nostradamus predicting the end of the world at least that many times.  If the end of the world is coming, I wish it would just come already.  Gather the exiles in ... I am ready for this thing!  Oh, wait.  I am one of those exiles.  Well, instead of the apocalypse...maybe the BIG Los Angeles earthquake.  I have been preparing for it for my whole life (I was in Israel during the 94 Northridge quake)....let's get this thing rolling!  It's fairly selfish, I know, that I am looking forward to 12.21.12 and the end of days.  That which scared me before seems like child's play (no pun intended) now.  If you are worried that my negative thinking will cause the planet some harm...like "The Secret" in reverse...don't worry.  Haven't I told you that I repeated a mantra for Max's well being for my whole pregnancy with him and his whole 9 and a half months?  I literally drove to and from work every single day and repeated, "A healthy and happy baby with a long, long life."  Over and over and over.  God doesn't listen to me so you are safe from my wrath.  I should probably have issued a warning at the top of this post....."May Spoil Christmas Cheer".  Sorry.  You probably could have guessed it anyway.

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