Sunday, July 15, 2012

As a follow up on yesterday's post, I felt I should clarify: we don't know who made the mistake.  We don't know if the Coroner's office accidentally didn't include the blood in the package or if the Mayo Clinic accidentally threw the blood away with the packing materials when the package arrived.  This really only compounds the frustration.  Each side insists that they were not at fault.  My concern is that "not being at fault" is likely more important to each side than finding the blood.  I tend to believe that I have a pretty good feeling who made the mistake, because they have been making mistakes all along and because they are even currently under investigation for making mistakes - but I'll leave it there.  I believe that no matter who made the mistake, the element of human compassion was lacking - as it generally seems to be.  I keep finding that people are much more interested in telling me that it wasn't their fault than they are in telling me how terribly sorry they are that we lost our beautiful son.

I think Ted and I both feel the same way about this incredibly botched incident, which is that there is just nothing we can do about it.  Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Perhaps we have found out all that we are meant to find out.  We both work so hard to get as much information about this as possible for the sake of Maxie and Baby M and I am really not sure what else we can possibly do at times.  We are trying our best.  We have managed to move through this weekend fairly calm so far.  I worried that this incident would break me (again).  Maybe I am already too broken.

But perhaps our incident(s) can give you some perspective.  It is so much easier said than done, I recognize.  At this stage in my journey, I know that there is nothing as stressful or painful as losing our child (and I hope that there never will be again).  The loss of his blood didn't come anywhere near close.  It is just another in a long succession of triggers that hurts my heart and reminds me that Max is truly gone from my life.  Please believe me when I tell you that you are most likely very blessed.  I know how stressful every day struggles can be, but do yourself a favor, and take a step back and savor the moment because you never know how long it will last.  And, (I think I get to say this even though it hurts me when you say it to me) - hug your kids a little tighter, love your spouse despite his/her faults, cherish the adventure of being alive for a while (even if things aren't exactly how you want them to be - because you aren't making enough money, or haven't yet met the love of your life, or whatever else is haunting you), compromise with your friends, family and co-workers, feel grateful for the life that you have (if you can) for as long as you can.  Once again I am preachy but I know how easy it is to take blessings for granted.  Find just five minutes to think about all that you DO have instead of what you DON'T.

There are still blessings in our lives.  In fact, my greatest grief is not being able to share those blessings with Max and that he will never get to create blessings for himself, because he was so happy, because I know had he lived that his life would have been beautiful.  Ted and I have a small but sweet house that we are so lucky to have been able to hide away in this past year.  We have our two loving dogs, Layla and Jake.  They bring smiles to our faces every day.  We have our families and friends, many of whom have walked this scary and agonizing road with us step by step for the last year - supporting us through emotional battles, supporting us by remembering Maxie, supporting us by helping us to memorialize his life through our charitable efforts.  We have each other and have managed to continue loving one another despite this greatest of challenges to a marriage.  We have Maxie's little brother on the way (and though he will never be here soon enough for me - the promise of his arrival is the most delicious present I can imagine).  As terrifying as life can be, there are always blessings.  Even when I am feeling most hopeless, I try to remember that I am truly blessed in some ways.  Realizing this is the best that I can do for myself for today.


Sigalle said...

Great advice, Abs. Thank you for the post and very important reminder.

Fiona said...

I hear you.
Even now with all our pain, we still have blessings. One of those is the time we had with our gorgeous boys. It just wasn't long enough.
I'm thinking of you lots and looking forward to hearing of the arrival of a very special boy. Take care, Lots of love, Fiona.x

Anne Nilsson said...

Another beautiful post, written despite the pain of this latest incident.

I just saw a segment on CNN about a doctor who lost her baby at 7 weeks, due to a congenital heart defect for which there were absolutely no symptoms -- no shortness of breath, no blue coloring. There is a test that can catch this, at birth. It costs about $1/test, and is painless to the baby. It's a white cord-type thing that wraps around the baby's finger for about 5 minutes; it looks like a bandage. It measures the baby's blood for oxygen levels. This simple test would have saved that doctor's baby. It's not commonly done, for some reason, but you can ask for it. I didn't catch what it's called, unfortunately.

Kimberly Bonheim Birbrower said...

I pledge to you in Maxie's memory that I will try my very best to count my blessings and not sweat the small stuff. Thank you for reminding me!

greg said...

And at the same time, I feel blessed to call you and Ted friends.

Sarah P. said...

Great post - and such good perspective and advice. I am waiting for the post in which you say that BABY M HAS ARRIVED! Any day now, but I am wishing with all my might that it happens before the 19th... said...

I'm also waiting for the post, Baby M is here. I'm sorry to hear about this crazy incident with mayo clinic and the coroner office. I don't understand why after all that we been thru loosing our babies. We continue to go through more; I have felt the pain go into my heart a little deeper lately. Thinking of you.


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