I am so tired of struggling with all of these feelings
I don't want to FEEL anymore
I don't want to feel sad or depressed or scared or anxious or in pain
I don't want to feel disappointed or hurt or lonely or angry
I don't even want to feel "happy" or "love" or "joy"
(all three of those emotions betray me daily)
I just want to stop FEELING
How can I stop all of this FEELING?
I don't want to struggle anymore
There is no end in sight
All I want to feel is tired
So I can go back to sleep


jessica said...

Hi honey. I was going to comment on yesterday and today's posts but there's just too much to say - and no amount of words will ever be able to fully convey how much I love you, support you, wish for you a life with no more heartache and how much Maxie is missed. I think about you all the time but, this month in particular, you are never out of my heart and mind. I wish I could just put my arms around you and protect you from all the feelings, anxiety and concerns. What your poor heart and soul are going through is more than one person should have to bear in a million lifetimes. You are still in the middle of figuring out how to mourn and how to survive the loss of Maxie and how to put it all somewhere so that you can live through it. You are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Baby M - praying that he's okay, steeling yourself for the inevitable rush of emotions that will come with his birth, being excited for him to get here but also being sad for what you, he and Maxie will miss out on. Baby M will be a wonderful addition to your beautiful family and he will no doubt bring you and Teddy joy, love and laughter. But you will still be missing Maxie and for that, and for all that you have lost, I am eternally sorry. I don't know how to help you through this month and through all of these feelings but I will keep thinking of you every moment of every day and sending all of my love and strength. I am here for you for whatever you may need. You, Teddy, Maxie and Baby M are so, so loved.

jkbrumbaugh@gmail.com said...

Im done feeling as well. I understand feeling like you want tired when I sleep I feel nothing. Except when Im dreaming of Jayden or having a flashback of loosing him. Thinking of you.