Last year on the fourth of July, we had a few friends over.  I think about 6 people all together.  We barbequed, played with Max, had lots of laughs.  Obviously we had no idea that a count down had begun...that we would only have 2 weeks left with our baby.  The events of the last two weeks of Maxie's life are so clear in my mind.  We spent lots of time with friends and family.  Pretty soon, I won't be able to remember Maxie in any memories when I talk about "this time last year".  It hurts.  A lot.

I am so sad without Max.  I am trying so hard to be "myself" but his absence glares at me from all directions.  I really try to focus on everything else : the new baby, how he could arrive any day, work, friends, field trips, anything!  I work so hard that it breaks me.  I find myself falling to pieces easily.  Sometimes for minutes at a time, sometimes for hours.  I am so scared of this life that I am living.  I am so scared of continuing to live a life of sorrow.  I had everything.  To go from there to here - I am having trouble making sense of it all.

And, I feel like my life revolves around these dates: (Maxie's incident - July 19th, Maxie's death - July 21st, Maxie's funeral - July 26th, Maxie's Birthday - October 7th).  How soon are they coming?  What will we do (if anything at all)?  How close to one of these dates will Baby M be born?  How will I make sense of that?

Baby M is wiggling around a lot inside of me.  He could get here any day.  The timing of these events makes my head spin.  I am in as much pain as ever from losing Max - missing him wildly and painfully and uncomfortably.  There is so much unrest in my heart and it makes me anxious and sad.  My body is beyond uncomfortable with the end of pregnancy.  I can't sit for long, can't stand for long, can't figure out how to sleep.  I feel like I am carrying around a 100-pound weight belt with every step I take.  There seems to be no relief - emotionally or physically from any of this.  But, I am hanging in there - hoping that Baby M's birth brings some physical relief (even though I remember that there is a whole new bag of physical strain that comes with recovery from birth), and some emotional relief (I will never have Max back but at least Ted and I can be parents again and get to know this new precious soul).  I am bracing myself for the hard dates, hoping that I can find meaning in the days and keep breathing through them.  July is going to continue to be hard.  I have been anticipating this for a while.


Tamar said...

Abby - Everything you're going through is completely understandable. How could you not be in pain, missing Max, especially since all these difficult dates are around the corner? I am so sorry for your discomfort - both physical and emotional. I hear what you're saying about not being able to say "this time last year" about Maxie's stunningly short life. Please know that everyone that truly cares about you and Ted has zero expectations of how you "should" be. We are here and we love you - Tamar

Bianca said...

Maxie's joy in the baby pool at Amy's and his delicious smiles and giggles in your and Ted's arms at our brunch are so vivid in my mind. I cherish these memories of 9-month-old Maxie...and ache for more months and years and memories. The shock and agony of his last days and the days after are also so present, in July particularly, but really always. I sort of expected baby M to be born yesterday alongside the fierceness of the fireworks, but I hope he enters the world somewhat more peacefully. I can't wait to meet him and also to meet up with Maxie again someday.

Mollynilesrenshaw said...

I was thinking yesterday of how everything was so different and better this time last year. It was hot at your place and we were just having some beers, relaxing, having fun. Maxie was up on the kitchen counter in that little chair, so happy, just chilling. He kept craning his neck to look around to stuff - the dogs, the guacamole, I got some big smiles too. I think of that fun day and it is still impossible to accept that that sweet, happy boy left us just a couple weeks later. I thought about Maxie a lot yesterday - what a good, happy dude he was. I am so sorry every day he's not here with you.

robyn said...

it's understandable how hard this month is for you. i wish i could do anything to take your pain and suffering away and bring your precious max back to you, but instead i can only send you love. my thoughts are always with you, ted, max and of course baby m. here's to a joyous and easy birth of the little guy.