One Year

I have nothing profound to say today.  Nothing you don't know already.  Nothing funny or interesting or particularly complex.  My heart hurts deeply today.  I feel nauseous from the sorrow.  I want to curl up into a ball and lie on the ground and cry and heave until I am sick but I can't.  I am too pregnant to curl up in a ball or any of those other things.

When I told you that the last time I hugged and kissed my sweet baby was July 19th of last year, I lied of course.  I hugged and kissed him and whispered in his ears and smoothed his little eyebrows over his face and nuzzled my nose into his cheeks for two more days.  I knew he was gone before he died in our arms on July 21st.  I knew he was gone by the time I saw him in the PICU on the 19th.  Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't been so sure, maybe he would still be here.  Maybe I didn't have enough faith in miracles.

My heart is so heavy today.  It hurts.  Everything feels heavy.  A whole year.  In that year, I have barely left my house.  It has been the longest year of my life and yet, I can barely remember anything that happened.  It is all a blur.  Someone wrote me the other day to congratulate me for getting through the year - a great accomplishment, they said.  A sickening, deafening, nightmare  - doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment.  And yet, Ted and I are still standing.  Two totally different people than we were a year ago, but somehow - still here.

There isn't much more to say that hasn't been said already.  I miss my baby with every ounce of my soul.  He is both further away and closer to me each day that I get through.  He was the light of my life.  The most incredible, wonderful, sweet, delicious thing I have ever known.  Without him, life has lost all of its color - most of its meaning.

My heart hurts today so much.  There is nothing more to say.

17 comments

Bianca said...

I am so sorry. Just with every fiber of my being I am truly sorry that your beautiful son Max is not here. I'm sorry that you have had a year without him and that there are more years ahead until you see him again. I am sorry that he is not lighting up my life and the lives of all the other people who love him. He will always be in my heart and I know he truly lives in yours, but it's not enough, he should be here and he's not and it's the most painful thing. I am praying that some shades of color come back for you and Ted, even with missing Maxie always. Sending love to all of you.

Susan said...

Losing the only person you have ever loved completely unconditionally is beyond comprehension. It doesn't feel survivable. As the days past by, I think you sit there dazed that it is even possible that you can go on existing without them. But we do. I wish I had something comforting to say. But all I can say is, I get it. I hear you. And I am so terribly, terribly sorry.

Remembering your happy little boy with his love of life. Maxie xx

Chantel said...

I am so very sorry.

Sigalle said...

Sending my love to you and Ted and this day. I will be lighting a candle in memory of Maxie today and every year on this day.

Kathleen said...

My hand is on my heart - sending comfort. I'll be lighting a candle, too. Wishing peace and love...

jessica said...

I am so sorry that you and Teddy have spent the last year missing your beautiful boy. I'm sorry that he is not here with you both. I am sorry that we don't get to witness that incredible personality growing up, loving his brother, loving his wonderful Mommy and Daddy. I wish so much that we did and that he was in your arms always. Maxie will be loved and remembered forever. He lives in your hearts and I will keep him in mine always. Not a day passes that I don't think of and send love to Maxie. It is heartbreaking and devastating that this is the way it is. I am so very, very sorry. I love you all very much. xo

Kathleen said...

Candle for Maxie.

Becca said...

I'm so sorry. We'll be lighting candles tonight.

Egreeno said...

I'm forever sorry that your Maxie is gone. His smile and spirit were truly so bright and the world is a far darker place without him. I will be holding Maxie's memory in my heart forever. I'm sending you and Ted and Maxie and Baby M all my love and will be joining with all the family and friends around the world tonight as we remember your beautiful boy and grieve with you.

greg said...

Even with all the time we've spent together and reading your blog, it's still impossible for me to imagine how awful this past year must have been for you & Ted, a year you should have spent holding your son, not mourning his loss. I am so sorry he is not here Abs. It wasn't fair then and it's not fair now. It will never be fair. I hope you both know that Maxie has been in our hearts from the day he was born and stays there even now. We'll be lighting a candle today. Love you.

Jodi Barry said...

Ted and Abby,
Thinking of you both and your gorgeous, charismatic, happy baby boy. It is such an injustice to you, your families and this world, that he is not here to shine his smile on everyone. Please know that our love and thoughts are with you not only today, but every day as you struggle through adjusting to this new life. Wishing there was a way to comfort your broken hearts. Much love to you both.

jkbrumbaugh@gmail.com said...

I'm sorry Abby. We all got together and pray at 5:30pm ur time today. Sending you our Love, strenght and peace.

Kira

Kathleen Carroll said...

Candle for Ted, Abby, Maxie, Baby M...

Allison Kovac said...

I too have been awaiting this day... It is almost over, amen. Xoxoxoxoxo
Thinking of Maxie, Abby and Teddy while looking at candle light. xo

Ahr said...

I hurt so much for you today, Abby. I am so so sorry for everything you have lost and for everything you fear losing. I'm sending you and Ted support, hope, love and deep compassion for where you are right now.

Karen Reijers said...

I sadly understand your pain all too well .. it will be 3-1/2 yrs. on August 18th, the day before my angel Andrew would turn 26 - my only child & the love of my life .. he was a special needs child but I never expected this nightmare to happen - I still feel such pain & emptiness! My prayers are with you & your family .. may God Bless you & give new Baby M a full healthy life .. but I know you will miss Maxie forever! Will light a candle at church today for your sweet baby Maxie. Love & Blessings to you!

Karen Reijers said...

As a mother who lost her only child, my beautiful special needs son Andrew, I sadly know your pain all too well! May God Bless you, your sweet angel Maxie & new Baby M on his way .. will light candle in church for Maxie today