More Bath Time

I've mentioned - giving Max a bath was a favorite activity for both Ted and I.  There is nothing better than doing something for your child that he/she enjoys most.  If his favorite thing had been eating, I am sure my favorite thing would have been feeding him (I DID love feeding him too, by the way).  Baths didn't start off so relaxing for Maxie.  In fact, they were somewhat stressful.

But, around two months, bath time became Maxie's absolute favorite time.  He liked warm water and wash cloths and getting kissed and having so much attention paid to him.  He smiled and wiggled and squeaked with glee.  He splashed and splashed and loved every minute of the ritual.  Baby Maxie baths were the highlight of every day for me.  I rushed home, anticipating the fun we'd have.

I miss those moments most of all.  We bathed Maxie on our kitchen counter in his Fisher Price Whale tub (a hand-me-down from Marla's daughter Ella).  Ted put sky lights in our kitchen and Max would sometimes sit in the bath, super relaxed and smile at the trees moving in the breeze.  I wonder now if he saw something I didn't see.  These days, I often stare at the empty counter space for long periods of time, feeling empty sorrow wash over my whole soul.  What I wouldn't give for one more bath.

My mom bought a new bathtub for Baby M.  It's a rainforest bath and it has different stages for a growing baby.  I think it is probably a good idea to start fresh with a new bathtub.  So many of the memories I have with Max still feel so painful and raw.  I worry about forgetting but then I also worry that starting all over with a new baby will bring those memories to the surface and bring back the acute early pain.  We used to keep Maxie's bath in the big bath in Maxie's bathroom.  After he died, I couldn't go into that bathroom unless the shower curtain was closed.  If I could see the blue bath peeking out at me, my chest hurt.  A new bathtub might help.  Or will it?  Or would keeping the rituals the same help?  I have mixed feelings about initiating new routines with a new little dude.  He will be his own person though and so new, in his case, will be good, I think.  Will anything help?  Will a new baby help, for example?  Max was SO special.  The answer to all of my prayers in too many ways to explain here.  He saved my soul - not that I even knew it needed saving until he arrived on the scene.  I cannot expect Baby M to save this soul.  THIS soul isn't even fully here anymore.  THIS soul is already partly dead.

It's getting close - time to start creating new memories - while both trying to hold tight to the old ones AND keep a distance from them to protect myself.  Will Baby M love baths like Max?  Or will there be something else that brings the look of pure contentment to his face?  Will his presence cause me to forget all that was lovely and perfect and special about my first love, Maxie?  Oh god I hope not.  If I could ask for one wish (other than bringing Max back to me), it would be that I am able to keep Max alive in my heart and mind for all of my years to come.  That his favorite things continue to be fresh in my mind and heart.  That he always stays with me strongly and that my love for him never fades even one ounce.

Maxie - still counting down the days until we can be together again.  Mommy misses you SO.......