The 19th

Thank you so much for your texts, emails and comments yesterday.  Ted and I were both receiving so many beautiful words of support from so many people throughout the day.  It really feels good to know that Maxie is in your hearts.  He is so loved by us, it somehow keeps him a little bit alive knowing that people have taken the time to love and remember him.

We both managed to keep it together fairly well yesterday.  I am at the point in my pregnancy where I am too big and uncomfortable to breakdown.  I can't even explain it.  I can hardly move and I feel like I am going to explode and I have to keep calm as best as I can all of the time because it hurts too much to feel the emotions that I am burying inside of me.  I knew that I couldn't visit the cemetery because I can't lay down on his grave.  It would be too hard to lie on my side in that grass and I would have too much trouble getting up.  I wouldn't really be able to sit or stand there very long either.  Instead we did things to keep calm and be together yesterday.  It was a really hard day and we have another one coming tomorrow (every day is HARD.  Every day.).  I finally cracked just before bedtime.  One thing that is really pushing my emotional state over the edge is that I have something called PUPPS that occurs in less than 1% of pregnancies.  Thank god it only happens in the last trimester with most women who get it but I basically have hives all over my whole body.  I itch EVERYWHERE and it is the most miserable itching imaginable and it lasts all day and all night.  Apparently there is nothing that really cures the issue up except giving birth (even then, it takes a few weeks to clear up).  I am currently trying Dandelion Root - a holistic remedy I found online.  It is supposed to take a week to work. I cleared it yesterday with Dr. D. By bedtime last night, I had just completely lost my mind.  Suppressing my tears and horror that we have actually lived through a whole year without Max and then, the added stress of a very difficult pregnancy was just too much.  Poor Ted, he was so tired and I was just lying next to him in a puddle of tears and self pity.  It sucks.

A few of my friends (Ann, Daphna, Auntie Beth) independently came up with the idea of memorializing Maxie by lighting a candle tomorrow, just after 5 pm PST, to memorialize Maxie's life.  They have sent out emails and posted the idea on Facebook.  I know that when we light a candle in our house tomorrow that we will feel like we are being supported all over the world by friends who are doing the same.  Many friends did the same thing for us last year at the same time.  If Maxie is out there, I know he will feel the love generating in his honor....how could he not?  Would you think about sending us a photo of your candle lighting if you participate?  teddyabby at gmail dot com.  These small things are such big things for us.  It would mean so much.

I also wanted to remind you that we have set up a fund in Maxie's name with First Candle to fund research into SIDS (also advocacy efforts and family support).  We think it is a very special way to honor the memory of our baby - who should be here right now with us.  I know I have real Chutzpah ("balls" - for lack of a better translation) asking for another donation after so many of you contributed towards Maxie's Forest over the past year....helping us to raise over $100,000 (no small accomplishment).  Any amount helps.  In Jewish tradition the number 18 represents life (the letters in the word "Chai", which means life add up to 18).  That is the reason many people give $18 to support a cause.  I wish no other family would have to go through this ever, but, at least once a week, I hear from a new person telling me that they or someone they love has just lost a child to SIDS.  There is no way to explain how miserable it is to live life without our babies.  My blog doesn't do the experience even a tiny amount of justice.  I often feel like I am in hell.  When I have ever thought about what the very worst thing I could ever imagine happening would be, I don't think I ever even let this cross my mind.  It is a complete horror - for us, for our siblings, for our parents, for everyone who knew and loved Maxie. 

I want to let you know that this year we have felt very loved.  Your following of our path, the support we feel when we hear from you - by comment, email, text, phone call (even when we don't get back to you right away) - has been what has sustained us through this nightmare.  We know that Maxie is still very loved and that means everything to us.  If he had lived, he would have touched so many lives (as we all do) through school and playdates and summer camps and college and work and other friendships throughout his life.  He didn't get that opportunity.  But, you all have shown him so much love and that is the best we can do give him the "life" he so deserved.  Thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts for helping us get through this first year.  Thank you for keeping Maxie close and for loving him without, in many cases, every having even met him.  What a gift it has been to know you are there.  I am not sure how we will ever repay your kindness.