Embrace the randomness

I cannot embrace the randomness.  The doctor told us this morning that my cervix is very posterior and that he really doesn't believe that the baby will come early.  We started talking about induction.  Obviously, we'd rather not induce next week, when the chances of delivering on the 19-21 would be higher.  I guess we wait to the due date.  I am just SO uncomfortable and so unhappy and I am missing Maxie with such fierceness.  This must be what hell is like.  I keep wondering how I got here.  And, I KNOW, what I should be saying is, "I am so grateful that the baby is looking good and that he is moving along steadily" and everything else.  Somehow there is an expectation that I am supposed to be even MORE grateful for the things that everyone takes for granted, and, I guess I am.  But, I sort of resent it.  I am just being honest.  That is what this space is for...honesty.  I want this baby so bad.  I wanted him here before the 19th to keep me company during those 3 days.  I don't have anything "planned", but it doesn't mean I want to be alone either.  I am so sick and tired of being and feeling all alone.  I hope that as Baby M grows older, he knows that I will always be there for him.  I will never let him feel alone.  I will do my best to comfort him and ease his pain and love him with all of my heart.  My doctor told me to just try and embrace the randomness.  Randomness took away my son, randomness left me with a gaping hole in my heart.  I cannot embrace the randomness.  My whole body is aching with unknowns.


NikaM said...

Everyone expects us to be more grateful and more patient, but we're still human.

I hope the little one gets here soon.

Tanya said...

Perhaps have Ted drop you off at the bottom of your Mom's hill.....and hike up and down all day?

Tiffany said...

embrace the randomness? what BS. you are right, randomness is what took our boys away. i could never embrace that!

i understand how you feel. toward the end of my pg i was so miserable. i just wanted to have our girl in my arms. to at least know that she was ok. i felt like i was in SUCH a dark place those last few months. on top of being heavily preg and uncomfortable, i was grieving Julius so hard. i thought grief by itself was difficult. it was nothing compared to grieving while preg. i had a hard time balancing the 2.

thinking of you and praying the next few weeks pass quickly and you get to hold Baby M soon!

Susan said...

Shit, isn't it? When I gave up work to start maternity leave, I remember getting cards from people that suggested I enjoy the "rest" before the storm, and enjoy by time as a "lady in waiting" and all that shit. The only explaination is that people are thick and insensitive and go into automatic pilot by saying the sort of shit they say to all childless couples about to get a child.

No - you will not enjoy the randomness. What people don't get is that as the baby gets closer to its birthdate, although rationally we know the risk is dropping all the time - and everyone else thinks we are going to have a happy, healthy child keep us awake at night - for us, who have been there, the fear of losing this near-baby is becoming too heavy to bear. Any risk is too much. Losing a child is too real a concept for us to be philosophical about.

I think your ob sounds typical - most medics don't get it. I don't get why they don't get it, but they don't. Your feelings also sound completely normal for a bereaved mum. The week M was born was pretty much the worst of my life - at a time when people expect you to be happy, grateful and all that shit.

I really wanted a natural, homebirth for both my babies - however, I pretty much have to say, knowing reasonable amount about the implications of induction and knowing what it feels like to be pg and grieving, I do think your emotional needs should be up there, near the top of the list. If you feel you need more control, why not go for an earlier induction? Perhps it would be helpful to talk that through with your ob - if you went for an induction before the anniversary. I think wanting to plan the birth that way is perfectly justifiable in terms of your emotional well-being. Or alternatively, maybe you could plan it so you get through the anniversary, and then have the induction afterwards.

I'm sorry - i know this is tough. Thinking of you xx