Mother of two

I am a mother of two, only mothering one here on earth.
I am a mother of two and everything in me is split:
While I feel happy in many moments these days, the big picture is devastating, unfathomable and so so sad.
In every happy moment is deep, raw, painful, gut wrenching angst.
My heart is in two pieces - it is broken in two.   It is broken.
Part of me is working hard to be present HERE, with the living.
The other part of me cannot wait for it to be over, so I can go be with him.  I am so looking forward to it.  I cannot wait to see him again.
My laughter releases the pent energy of sorrow and pain not of joy.
How strange.
My heart is full of Mo.  I am so in love.
My heart is empty and totally dead without Maxie.  I want to die.
I can't make sense of any of it, I am just trying to get through it.
We are really down to one day at a time.
I couldn't do that before.
Now it is my only choice.
Please don't ever forget that though you only see one, I am a mother of TWO.


Seeing Each Day said...

I was going to quote a line from what you said in your post today but it's so brilliantly written and expressed that I'd have to copy all of it....and then I'd say that this is what I don't 'get' about the lives of parents who have lost a child - as if the missing isn't enough to deal with , you are also expected to face the overwhelming challenges of just getting through the day, no break, and then if you actually experience a 'break' then you're cruely reminded about what it was a break from. It is so SO unfair and I am so very sorry.

Kate said...

Beautifully written. You will always be Mo and Maxie's Mommy--one son here and one son Everywhere. What unfair and bittersweet madness--it makes me so angry that you and Ted have been tested like this. Love you. xo

Britt M. said...

I will never forget you are a mother of two, and an excellent mother at that.