Where can I go from here?

As I was sitting in the therapists office in Washington, I was feeling more and more ridiculous.  Why did I believe that I could connect to Max this way?  But, I spoke to other people who had gone through the process and for whom it had worked.  If I hadn't tried, I would have wondered forever.  But still....I felt pretty stupid....and sad.  How can gone be gone?  How can my Max just be gone?  It's just not possible.

I came home and told Teddy how disappointed I was.  He told me not to feel stupid.  Going there and meeting with this therapist was an important part of my journey, he said.  He suggested that perhaps I have to go through certain things to get to Max.  Ugh.  I am so frustrated and so so sad.  It often just feels like too much to bear.

There were some valuable insights that I received through the process.  She told me that she felt I continued to be traumatized by the insensitive things people said and keep saying to me since Max died.  That there have been additional traumas as well - the cops getting called on us, the panic attack I had, the coroners office losing Max's bloodthe shallow interactions with people who didn't mention Max at all or acted like his death was no big deal.  I am not sure that she understood that our appointment was traumatizing for me as well.  I am really only absorbing how traumatizing it was now.  I had an incredibly violent dream last night that has me seriously shaking today.

I don't know where to go from here.  I miss his face.  I miss his two little teeth.  I miss his little cheeks.  I miss his eyebrows and beautiful eyelashes.  I miss the way he looked at me and how special our love was.  I miss cuddling with him before bedtime.  I miss everything about him.  I miss my Max so much.  My heart is aching.  I am shaking.  This is really my life....I can't even believe it.


Rebecca Howard said...

I've been thinking about your visit with the therapist for two days now, wondering how I would comment. Here's what I have come up with...

I don't believe that mediums and/or psychics can communicate with our loved ones anymore than we can. At least, not at will. I think it is a "gift" that is available to everyone and that some have just honed it a little more than others. When they are able to communicate, I think it's a fluke. If Max can send you a message, I think he'll do it through you and not through someone else. So, don't be thinking that he's not out there because you haven't received the sign you want. That medium (and the one at the seminar thing) is just not tuned in like they claim to be. That's all.

With that being said, I DO kind of understand what she means about the molasses. That was not a nice way of putting it, and was certainly disheartening to hear, but it kind of has some merit. I have a lot of interest in this topic. I even went back and got my MA in it. So let's look at this in another way.

Have you heard the story about the dragonfly and the water bug? Well, these water bugs lived under the water. Every so often, though, one of them would disappear. The elders told them that they went on to become dragonflies and lived outside of the water. The other water bugs were always sad that they never got to see their companions after they turned into dragonflies. There were two water bugs who were friends. One told the other that when he became a dragonfly, he would come back to visit. Then, one day, he did. Suddenly, he was outside of the water. he could fly! He looked down and through the water he could see his friend, the water bug. Only, he couldn't go underwater and, of course, the water bug couldn't come out of it. Every once in awhile they could see each other, and they were always aware of one another, but they just couldn't touch. They found other ways of communicating, though. Sometimes, the dragonfly would drop a leaf down on the pond and the water bug would feel its shade. Other times, the water bug would kick his feet and cause a splash and the dragonfly would feel the sprinkles of water.

I believe that sometimes strong emotions (sadness, grief, anger) can act like that film. It's nobody's fault. If strong feelings like these can OPEN the door to another spiritual realm, then it would make sense that it could also keep the door shut. I think that's why sometimes our loved ones come to us in dreams-because it's one of the few times where our minds aren't racing and we're in a peaceful state. Sometimes, meditation works, too.

My best friend lost his partner of 20 years almost exactly one year before Toby died. (Toby was named after him.) My friend said that he cried himself to sleep every night for almost two years and did everything he could to get his partner to visit him. He visited psychics, mediums, meditated, etc. One night, he was just too tired to cry. Before he went to bed he said to the darkened room, "You COULD come and visit me you know..." and he went to sleep. That night, his partner DID visit him in his sleep. He woke up feeling more peaceful than he had since his death.

Keep trying. Don't give up. Maybe you will make some ripples and Max will send down some shade.

Rachael said...

Abby, reading this made me realize something that I hadn't really thought of before. I guess its in part because I never met Maxie and only experience him through your stories and memories...but when I picture him in my imagination I see him with a mouth full of teeth, with a full head of hair. I even imagine him walking (when I know, in actuality he was just about to crawl). I wonder what that's about. Perhaps we can discuss when we see each other?

That you didn't connect with Maxie while visiting that medium/therapist in Seattle was very difficult to hear. I want you to have this moment with Max so so much (though I know my desire for you to make the connection is nothing in comparison to your need for it to happen). Keep trying, never give up. You DO owe that to yourself and to Maxie. I'm so glad you have Ted and Mo to stand beside you as you follow every lead...

Rose said...

The comments that Rachael and Rebecca have written here are so thoughtful and beautiful. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, as always, and sending love.