Thanksgiving 2012

My mother is a wonderful hostess!  Every year she opens her home to so many friends and relatives for Thanksgiving.  She makes sure that people who have no place to go are also included and opens her doors to their dates and friends too.  What I have always admired about my mother is how much she enjoys the process of getting people together.  She takes on the bulk of the preparations but when someone offers to bring something, she welcomes their contributions as well.   We always have a ton of delicious food and so many people.  She never feels or acts "put out" by the festivities.  In fact, I know she really loves that Thanksgiving is "her" holiday - it is the holiday that she gets to host in her home and she has been doing it as long as I can remember.  Everyone who comes always feels welcomed...even her former mother-in-law (my Grandma Ann) came all of her last years.

Last year, I asked her not to host Thanksgiving.  It was sort of selfish.  I just didn't feel like celebrating holidays last year...or celebrating at all really.  The truth is that there are so many people - friends and family - who have experienced loss in our family, I really wouldn't be alone in that crowd.  I just couldn't handle any of it.  I wanted all holidays banished.  They were too painful.  Plus, the previous Thanksgiving had been Maxie's coming out party to a certain extent.  Most of my mom's side of the family met him for the first time that evening.  I don't know - I was too raw to be there childless.  There is no perfect or better explanation than that.

This year Thanksgiving is back on but many people won't make it because of other obligations and hardships of their own and I will truly miss them.  I hope that they will be able to come back next year.  I am looking forward in a way to Mo's first Thanksgiving.  It is sort of fitting that it is really his first holiday and coming out as well.  Perhaps the new memories will help blunt the pain of the old ones.  That is my wish for this holiday week.

There are things that I am really thankful for today:  I am thankful for friends and family...new and old.  So many of my family and friends have stuck by me through this nightmare....and I've even met new friends, something I totally can't believe.  People I like who are warm and funny and cool and sweet.  I am SOOO grateful.  I am thankful for our dogs - Jake and Layla.  They are sweet and comforting and helped us get through a year without children.  They are very important to us and we love them so much.  I am so thankful for Maxie.  Maxie was one of my soulmates.  I am so grateful that I even got to spend 9 1/2 months with him.  I am grateful that he came into my life.  As I've said before, I wouldn't trade my 9 and half months with him for a lifetime with any other kid.  No way!  I miss him every minute of every day.  I am so grateful for Mo.  Having him was the best medicine for Teddy and I in the world.  He is a very special boy - he reminds us so much of Max but is his own person as well.  He is so funny and SO cute.  I can't say enough about him.  He is also my soulmate...no doubt about it.  We know each other so well already.  It's just intuitive.  I am thankful for Teddy - a soulmate and the perfect person to share my life with.  He is my rock and going through this together has only made us closer.  I am incredibly grateful for that.  BEYOND grateful.  It's amazing really, that despite our loss, we still have a lot to be grateful for.  This time last year, I couldn't even imagine thinking that.

Happy Thanksgiving.