I am ALWAYS looking for signs that Maxie is with me.  Why?  Because I cannot let go of him.  Because he came into my life and left it all so quickly.  Because I love him so much more than life itself and my heart is dying without him.

I spend so much time every day begging him for signs that he is with me.  I know our light bulbs have been burning out like crazy since he left.  I have noticed the lights in the bathroom and kitchen surging whenever I am thinking of him (of course, I think about him all of the time, so what does that mean?).  Ted sees the number 27 everywhere.  Was it there before?  Are we just noticing these things now?  We want to see signs.  Even if we knew for sure that they were signs from Max, they aren't the same as having him here.  I want him back so badly, I don't understand how I am expected to keep moving.  How can I keep going without him here?  It just leaves me breathless whenever I think about it (always).

My friend Rachel said that she thinks I was drawn into the baby boutique over the weekend by Max.  That "Goodnight Moon" being on the bookshelf was a sign from him.  That my buying it was something I wouldn't have been able to do without the strength of Max behind me that day.  I hadn't thought of it that way, but I like the idea.  Is "Goodnight Moon" on every baby store bookshelf (probably).  Is it every baby's favorite book? (I think so).

I am looking for signs and I swear that even if they smacked me in the face, I wouldn't believe them.
Another bereaved parent told me recently to think of it this way: If indeed Max IS trying to send me signs and I am questioning them all of the time and ignoring them, I am probably frustrating the hell out of him.  That is the very last thing I want to do.  I love him so much.  I wish I could know whether he is sending me signs but I am trying my hardest to just accept them, just in case they are being sent to me by my little boy.  Oh my god - I cannot believe how hard this all is.....


SadMama said...

Everything you write resonates with me. I really want to see signs, but until my son died I never believed in an afterlife. Now, I don't know what to think but I really want to believe it. How can someone be so alive for 23 years and then just be gone?

"Because I love him so much more than life itself and my heart is dying without him." My feelings, EXACTLY.

Rebecca Howard said...

I've only received one sign from Toby: on the anniversary of his death it was about 3:00 am. I was watching TV but it was on mute. When I unmuted it, the first thing the character said was, "I miss Toby." That freaked me out a little bit so I went downstiars. When I walked into the kitchen, a plant from his funeral had bloomed overnight. There were 5 blooms, one for each of us in our family. It had not bloomed since his funeral.

Last week, however, something really weird happened...Iris was coughing terribly and I was staying up a little longer to keep an ear out. Suddenly, the overhead light in the living room came on. That light has never been turned on. I don't even know where the switch is. Seconds later, it went off. About a second after that, I could hear Iris choking and gasping for breath. I ran upstairs and she was having trouble breathing. I got her calmed down and rocked her. Held her for about an hour and put her back to bed. Two hours later, the same thing happened: the light went on and off and Iris had trouble breathing. This time, though, she was choking and turning blue. We threw her in the car and took her to the ER. She had a temperature of 103 and had the croup. She was given steroids to help decrease the swelling in her esophagus.

I don't feel like that was Toby the second time. I think it was my grandmother. Similar things happened to me growing up when I was sick. But I like that she still pops in and visits from time to time.