Another Taboo Topic
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
There are a lot of people in my life who are parents and grandparents to babies who are either approaching nine months or who are there right now. I can't help but wonder if they ever stop and pause to think about Maxie....and not in the abstract way that most people think about Maxie (like a symbol on a t-shirt or a picture on a blog). I wonder if they realize that the baby that they have given their hearts over to is the same age as the one we lost. I wonder if it ever crosses their mind, knowing what they know now - that a baby this age is the center of their universe - that THIS is what is missing for us. That THIS is what we lost. One of those people told me soon after Max died, with a confused look on their face, as if not quite sure why I cried and cried and cried, "But, you can have more children"....as if Max himself was not what I was missing, but rather "just a baby". As if his life was not what was important, but rather what was important is that I have a reason to cheer up. A nine month old is a person - a complete love of your life. I wonder if that person who told me that ever stops to think, while playing with the beautiful nine month old in their lives, that this baby could not be replaced. I am pretty sure that particular person doesn't ever take pause to think about us. I know I shouldn't say it. I guess I am not even supposed to think it. But I do. A baby is a delight. A baby will light up your heart whenever you look in their direction. For a baby to die, will turn your heart to ash and your existence into hell. A nine month old should be nothing other than pure joy. I want nothing other than for all of those babies to continue to be the center of their parents and grandparents lives. But, I still wonder if they ever really think about our Max.
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6 comments
Every time I see a 6 to 9 month old I think of Max and what your family has lost. I feel the same when I see a child the age Maxie would be. I see how in love parents are and think about your sweet boy, this immeasurable grief and loss and the heartbreak for everyone who loved him. Maxie was not just a baby, he was your joy and heart and soul and I am so sorry you have to bear living without him.
When I first read your blog my own Max was 9 months old. It hit me so hard because as I read your words, I DID try to imagine what it would be like to lose him. I couldn't even imagine it - I got too upset and had to stop. Then to realize you are forced not only to imagine but to live that hell day in and day out well - "I'm sorry" just doesn't even come close to cutting it. It's just awful what happened to your family and how ANYONE who has ever held their own baby could not see that, I cannot understand.
Abs,
I think the same way! Anytime I hear about a baby of a friend, or a friend of mine who might also be a grandparent to a young baby. I wonder if they can relate to our grief, or think about Maxie.
MOM
I think about Max every time I see a baby his age, and my heart breaks over and over for you and Ted. I suppose, for me, thinking of Max will always be a little abstract, since I only met him once and he was a teeny newborn fella. I never saw his smile in person or held him when he was a squirmy, laughing guy. I loved him just the same. A nine month old is the most gorgeous, wonderful, delightful little person. Pure love, joy and awakening every day. What you have written here is, as always, so true.
One of the biggest fights I got into was with another SIDS mother who had lost her 9 1/2 month old. She told me to be glad I lost Toby earlier because it was "harder" to lose one later on. After that, she had another baby. She keeps a blog. When her baby turned 2 months, I wondered if she looked at him and thought about my son and what it would have been to lose her son at that point. She probably didn't. Her blog was full of her 2 month old and talked about how much she loved him and how much he meant to her. The irony of that was overwhelming.
My friend lost her baby at 5 months old when my own son was 2 months. I counted every day - somehow afraid that same fate awaited my own son. When he was the same age to the day, I cried and cried and cried. I think about him every time I see a 5 month old. He would be turning 2 in April. My son is 1.5 now and I think about Michael all the time.
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