It knocks the wind out of me.

Sometimes I am just moving through my day and something will happen that will bring me back to the loss.  The early days of's just so hard.  I hate writing it because WRITING doesn't do justice to the agonizing pain in my heart.  Living without my child is a complete nightmare - all of the time.

I know you don't think this could ever happen to you.  I know you don't.  In fact, if you know me, you think that I effectively saved you from ever having to go through this because I am the statistic.  You've even told me this.  But, PLEASE, know that bad things do happen to good people.  I'm not sure why, but I still really think that Ted and I are good people.  I still really think that we are good parents.  I KNOW that Max was an angel - a perfect person.  There is NO reason that this should have happened.

Please put your baby to sleep safely.  You think he can't sleep on his back but he will, if you let him.  You think she can't sleep without the stuffed animals and loveys in her crib, but she can - I promise.  You think that you need to swaddle them forever, I had trouble moving Mo out of his swaddle too - but after a day or two - they figure it out.  Just please, read about how to safely put your baby to sleep.  It *may* save their life.  I NEVER want you to feel what I feel.  EVER.

Your baby's life is SO much more important that "sleeping through the night" or a "good nap".  I promise.

Nobody knows what causes SIDS.  NOBODY.  But if you might be able to reduce the chances - if it is even at all possible, why wouldn't you?.  *Might* isn't a guarantee.  If it were, Maxie *might* still be here.  I would give anything in the whole world to have Max back.  ANYTHING.  Learning to live with this pain has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do - and I HAVE had to do hard things in my life, I really have.

The sadness sometimes takes over for hours or days at a time.  Even when I am not completely beside myself in pain, I am completely preoccupied with Max not being here - with what should've been.  I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

1 comment

Seeing Each Day said...

As usual I offer nothing but just words, I canNOT believe the exhaustion you must go through every day. It's just too much. I comment at times but it's almost ridiculous me saying words for your situation when you are the only one that can. But seeing as I'm here.... Your current world must feel like such a contradiction , the presence of your Mo ( oh, those eyes of his!) and then the non presence of your Maxie.