Terrible

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Sometimes (a lot of the time) I can't help but feel that it is my fault that Maxie died.  I worry (agonize) that a major decision I made for him - one that I spent hours and hours researching and looking into - ultimately led to his death.  Frankly - it makes me hate myself.  I feel like a terrible mother and a terrible person.  It's one of the many reasons that I can hardly stand being in my own skin anymore.  I feel completely unworthy of love, completely unworthy of life.  I didn't take Max's well being lightly.  I worried about him constantly - even though there was seemingly nothing to be worried about.  Maxie was a HEALTHY boy.  There was nothing wrong with him.  So, when I go to the pediatrician (like I did yesterday because Mo has what I thought was a little rash - but is just dry skin), and I hear that "he looks great" - it means nothing.  I know he looks great.  He is the picture of health and sweetness - just like Maxie was.  Too bad health is not a predictor for life or death.  They all seem to be totally unrelated.  Anyway, all this to say - I had the dream again last night.  The one where I am a terrible mother and I've left my baby somewhere but I am not sure where.  Then, when I finally find him, he is dead.  It would just be the most terrible nightmare ever - if it hadn't actually happened to my sweet baby in real life.

2 comments:

Egreeno said...

You were and are a wonderful mother! There is no way that any of this is your fault!! You are incredibly worthy of love and life!! You did nothing to deserve this devastating loss. I am so sorry that you have to suffer this dream and that it is really an added insult to reality. None of this is fair or right!! Please be kind to yourself. Sending you all my love and strength, E

Jayden's Mommy said...

Abby I'm sorry and I just wanted to let you know that I understand the feeling. Its just not fair. I used to torture myself about it over and over re-playing the same day- I was home, but there is no answer to it. I miss Jayden more than words could ever express. I know you are an amazing person and the perfect mom for those boys. I'm trying to accept that bad things just happen to good people sometimes and there is nothing we can do to change it. Much love.

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