One day at a time

As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Mo, I began to panic about losing him.  I wasn't so worried about a miscarriage (especially since I'd just had one).  I was very worried about stillbirth and another "SIDS" loss though.  I was worried all day every day in fact.  People told me I could cause a miscarriage or stillbirth just by worrying so much (which didn't actually keep me from worrying - maybe just made me worry more in fact).  On one visit to Dr. D, I just looked at the ultrasound image and cried, "he looks like he is going to be so cute", I said.  I felt pretty sure my time with this baby would be limited.  "I'm not sure if I can go through this again", I told him.  Dr. D, an adoptive father, told me, only halfway joking, that he would be happy to take my baby, even if he only had a very short life.  "A baby is still wonderful Abby, no matter how long he lives".  It was literally THAT statement that turned my heart around.  Of course this baby would be a blessing - no matter what the future held.  I would never trade my nine and a half months with Max for anything.  His life and death have taught me more about love, honesty, parenting, human compassion, the importance of friendship and loyalty, the strength of the human spirit and the strength of my marriage than anything ever could.  I still worried every single day of my pregnancy, but I understood that the worry was worth it.  I wasn't going to give my baby to Dr. D! :) (in this case, I feel an emoticon is appropriate).

A great fear of mine was the anxiety of parenting another baby knowing what could happen, and I'm not going to lie, I still have moments where I am convinced he won't make it (because he is healthy - like Maxie was).  But, overall, I am surprised with how relaxed I feel about Mo.  I take him everywhere I go but that is part of why I feel so relaxed I think.  He is never really out of earshot and when he sleeps - I am usually watching.  He wears his snuza monitor and it gives me comfort that I don't need to check to see if he is breathing every five minutes (though I do check sometimes).  I am ready for the first year to be over, but I am taking it day by day.  I want to enjoy every minute that I have with him because he will never be a baby again and he is such a good baby.

When a perfectly healthy baby dies without warning - it is hard to imagine ever feeling secure again - and you know what?  You don't.  You understand that you don't have unlimited time on earth OR with the people you love.  You just don't.  It can all come crashing down at any minute and you will never understand that unless something like this happens to you I guess.  I never did.  But, no matter what - the time you do have is precious.  My nine and a half months with Max was a gift.  He was the most special soul - someone who enriched my life beyond my imagination and I was lucky - AM lucky to be his mother.  His brother is equally special - a master healer - an old soul.  I am focusing on one day at a time right now and somehow - that is working for me.