I write this post with a heavy heart, because there should be no gifts in losing someone you love....but there are.  They are not obvious gifts and they take a while to find.  If I put all of these gifts together, they do not come close to making up for losing Max....they are nowhere equal to the one gift that his life was.  But, there are small "gifts" that I cannot ignore, as much as I'd mostly like to:

- There is the "gift" of knowing human kindness. The "gift" of knowing the true nature of the people surrounding you.  The "gift" of learning to know many of them for the beautiful souls that they truly are....that you always knew that they were.  Seeing people you've always loved on a deeper level and having an insight into the compassion of their hearts.  It is a gift.
 - The flip side of this "gift" is learning that not everyone is so compassionate and kind.  Or that some people are more worried about their own comfort than they are in being a comfort.  But, if you really think about that - it is also sort of a gift - having insight into the true nature of the people around you, even when it isn't pretty, IS actually a gift.
- There is the "gift" of deepened spirituality...a desire to connect to the universe and all of it's miracles and magic.  - A separation from the materialistic world that sucks us in daily.  It doesn't matter what your beliefs are - there is no denying that our planet, our solar system, our universe, and life itself - in all forms - is a complete and wondrous miracle.
- For me, there has been the gift of a new job - a new opportunity - the gift of being able to work from home and be with my second baby while he plays and naps and grows.
- There is the gift of being able to raise money for things that are close to our hearts through Maxie's Forest and Maxie's First Candle Fund.  Doing good in Maxie's name is something that we will do for the rest of our lives.  It keeps us connected to him.  It helps us to continue parenting him.
- There is the gift of deepened compassion, as well as a heightened sense of knowing that we cannot take ANYTHING for granted -especially each other, Mo and those who we love most.  Life can change (or end) in an instant.  We must live as fully as possible in the present.

There is not one gift that I wouldn't trade to have Max here with me - to love and kiss and cuddle with.  Not one.  But, that is not my reality.  The reality is that while most of the time I am angry and sad and disgruntled about losing Maxie - I cannot deny that in the last year and a half there have been "gifts"....and we have learned so much about love and life from Max's death.  He continues to enrich my life, even in his absence.  What a special, special boy.

1 comment

Jayden's Mommy said...

Its true is hard to admit but true there are many small gifts but still so unfair and so painful. There are many things I know I have change and many things a year ago that will have matter that today they just simply don't. Thinking of Maxie today. And Mo just looks so beautiful.