She is a light

I was up late last night: talking to Maxie (I literally go in the livingroom and sit on my couch and talk to him), reading my book (about Deathbed Visions -thanks Marla for the recommendation), and finally, desperately searching the internet for something that would give me enough peace to just close my eyes and sleep.  Forget being a mom to a baby - Grief is EXHAUSTING.  At last, *I noticed an update on the blog of one of my favorite people.   The post talks about getting through grief...with a special message to ME! (can you even believe it?)  It worked..and I slept. 

I feel so lucky to have met up with people like Molly on my terrible journey.  People who've been deep in the trenches and are helping to light my path.  I especially liked what she said about how the loss of a child "is too much for a mortal to bear. Only the grace of God can carry you through from day to day. No mortal can do it."  It really IS too much for any mortal to bear.  My humanness is not adequate for the burden this big, a grief this deep, a loss this earth shattering.  I cannot count the number of times I have said "It's too much" in the last year and almost eight months.  COUNTLESS.

I PRAY that one day I can be a light that helps others to see past the immediate darkness.  It seems that I can think of no greater purpose for my life.  And, I need a BIG and GREAT purpose because sometimes I feel like I just cannot go on.  To light the path gives our childrens' lives SO MUCH meaning.  More than anything, that is what I want - SO MUCH MEANING....and love, and hope, and joy, and laughter and to bring the funny back. 

Molly - you are a gigantic light for me!  GIGANTIC!  You continue to give Lucy's life so much meaning every day with all of who you are.  I am so grateful for that...I am SURE she is too.


1 comment

robyn said...

i am so sorry that you, and others, have to carry this tremendous amount of grief. that you have lost the little ones that at one point made your lives so bright. i am grateful that you have found support in others though to help you walk down this new and very difficult road.

love you abs.