On edge

I am feeling so on edge.  I have really been busying my mind, trying to keep myself thinking about anything other than this upcoming anniversary of losing Max and the three most horrific days of our lives.  It's just sitting at the surface though.  Whenever I find myself alone (not often these days), I burst into tears - in the bathroom, in the shower, in the car (I'm rarely in the car without Mo but when I am - it's like my eyeballs explode).  I barely even want to talk to anyone about it anymore - because they understand less and less as time goes on.  Ted is feeling it too - he's been listening to music all of the time (in the car, while working on his construction site, while walking the dogs) that makes him think of Max.  He feels like he is torturing himself, but he can't stop.  I think I've been holding on to some fantasy that he would be coming back somehow.  That I would have heard him or seen him by now and it is just more and more real as time goes on that he is gone forever.  I am struggling right now to get through these days and praying that the load lightens somewhat by the time we reach Mo's birthday next week.  I just wish it wasn't THIS hard.