Spontaneous

I am not super spontaneous though I was at one time in my life. I am definitely still adventurous. But I am not spur of the moment so much. I research stuff pretty heavily before I jump in. It's connected to my unwillingness to break rules. I am a little "Type A". 

I have been planning a tattoo for a long time. A momma monkey carrying her baby with Maxie's name and an infinity sign. Ive been trying to find the right artist at the right place who could do it at the right time. Have I mentioned that I am also not really a "tattoo girl"? I like them on other people but they've never been for me.

On Sunday as we sat at Maxie's burial spot, I knew it was time. I spontaneously decided we'd just go wherever was close and that what I really wanted was a lot more simple than my original plan. Who needs all of the questions people would ask me anyway? I've been avoiding questions for two years.  But I needed this tattoo, because you can't see how much pain I am in by looking at me. There is no physical manifestation. I haven't lost a limb or any of my motor skills or senses - even if it might feel like I have. This tattoo is a reminder to me and those who love me that Max is always with me, that a part of my heart will be eternally missing, and that I will love him and continue searching for him for all of eternity. 

Ted had seen a tattoo parlor near our house and the three of us drove there after visiting Max on Sunday. Ted said it was the most spontaneous thing he'd ever seen me do. He reminded me that I'd be looking at this for the rest of my life. Since losing Max, there is nothing I cannot carry for the rest of my life. The truth is that it wasn't really all that spontaneous. In fact, it has been a long time coming. Two years - feels like an eternity without him already.