The hardest lessons

Ted understands.

I didn't mean to imply he doesn't.  He understands better than anyone.

I just don't always want to burden him with how I am feeling.

He misses Maxie as much as I do.  Of course.  At times, his grief is even more palpable than mine because he has suppressed it for so long, because he was busy managing my grief. But you can't hold in something that intense forever.  Now I think he is going through things that I've actually already gone through.

If anything, I fake it for Ted now so he can better deal with his own grief and not have to continue dealing with mine.  And because, contrary to popular belief, a couple in grief cannot (generally speaking - in MY experience) "lean on each other" - it is too much weight to bear.  When we do it, we risk bringing each other down.  I don't actually think I am fooling him - he sees right through me and I see right through him.  We cannot sit around our own house crying all of the time (anymore).  We would drown....we know that because we WERE drowning before Mo was born.

I have noticed, however, that I get along a whole lot better with my parents when I fake happy.  I have danced around that fact here for a long time because I wanted to preserve the image anyone might have of them holding me in their arms while I cried but I don't think either of them would argue with the fact that they don't like me very much when I let them see how devastated I actually am.  Don't get me wrong, they love me no matter what.  But, they like me a whole lot better when I am happy.  Neither of them liked me very much after Max died.  And, I don't think that I have too many friends who would choose to spend time with someone who cries all of the time either (although I do have some).  Most people don't like people who can't make small talk.  So eventually you buck up and pull out your most superficial armor and get to it.

When I say that grief is private - what I mostly mean is that if I shared it all of the time, I'd have no friends left.  When I did share it all of the time, I sure lost a lot of friends.  My relationships with my immediate family suffered a lot.  As I've mentioned before, I suppose we are all too busy taking care of ourselves to support each other much.  I once told my father that I was sad he couldn't support me (emotionally).  He said I wasn't supporting him either.  He was right.  I had nothing in me to give.  I guess he doesn't either. I had hoped that since I am the "child" and he is the parent, it would still be his job to take care of me. It doesn't work that way. My expectations of him were too high, as many others expectations were of me.  So, I've learned to cry on my own time for the most part.  It's a lesson that will keep me strong for the future.

Some of the most important lessons are hard won...this one is no exception.  Early on in my grief, people who'd been through this would tell me that this would make me a more compassionate person (which mostly just pissed me off).  I actually thought that I already was compassionate because I could honestly FEEL other people's pain - almost too much.  It was too much to bear at times and so I'd run away - as many have run away from me.  What I think I could do now is BE with another person's pain and not run away from it.  This is what I hope I can do for others and for my own children.  What I really hope though is that they can dance through life unscathed, without ever having to learn the really hard lessons. If that isn't the case though, I am not going to run away.