Approaching Mother's Day

I have been dreading Mother's Day since the moment that my nine and a half months as a mother had come to an end.  Mother's Day is now a day to memorialize what I've lost.  It's day that screams at me, "You are not a MOTHER anymore!".

When I look back on last year's Mother's Day, I wish I had spent some time celebrating the fact that I was a mother.  I wish that I had made more of a fuss that I, too, was now a mother.  It was something that I felt excited about.  I was thrilled that I was now an honored member of the society of motherhood.  Teddy gave me the most wonderful card expressing his feelings about how terrific of a mother he thought I was.  Last year, I obviously had no idea that I wouldn't have a Mother's Day again this year.  It makes me crazy that I am not a mother to a baby that I can hold in my arms this Mother's Day.  It makes me crazy that I am not with Max this Mother's Day.  It is another holiday that makes the world spin wildly out of control for me.

Mother's Day is even harder for me this year because my relationship with my mother has been really hard since Maxie's passing.  My mother is the most incredibly upbeat, positive person I know.  This blow has really knocked her out.  I have never had that super positive quality.  I was fun and funny (if I do say so myself) but I have always been snarky and cynical.  Max's birth brought out a optimism in me that I never even knew existed.  Max's death killed all of that in me.  It must be incredibly challenging for my mother to try and comfort a child who has lost a child.  I cannot be cheered up.  My whole reason for being is gone.  She only wants to see us happy again and to feel happy herself.  I can't promise that I will be happy again though.  It just feels completely out of my reach.  My intense grieving is something that not even our parents can 100% relate to, even though they are in deep grief as well.  It has caused a rift and I think it hurts both of us (my mom and I).  A hurt that we both feel is extra hard on top of having lost Max.  You hear a lot about what happens to marriages after the death of a child, you don't hear a lot about how the rest of your familial relationships will be affected.  I have talked to enough bereaved parents to know that what we are going through is not unusual.  At least that is somewhat of a comfort.

I am so happy to know that next Mother's Day, I will be a mother again.  Mother's Day 2013 will come around just about 9 1/2 months after the birth of Baby M.  A time that I can only imagine, I will be full of fear.  Assuming we make it, I plan on really spending the day celebrating my motherhood and motherhood in general - something that I know that I cannot take for granted and never will again (though I hesitate writing "again" because I never took it for granted to begin with!!!)  I hope to be able to spend at least part of the day just loving Baby M and feeling special and lucky that he is mine.  I know I will spend another part of the day thinking about my Max and how much I miss him and how lucky I was to spend nine and half months with that little pumpkin.  I will spend the rest of my life feeling heartbreak over losing him.  I am just so endlessly heartbroken.

I am planning on skipping Mother's Day this year (again, selfish...I know.  I am skipping all holidays this year though so it is equal opportunity).  It isn't because I don't love my mother.  I love her very much.  She is an incredible person.  I just can't do it this year.  Mother's Day feels as sickening to me as Halloween did.  I am praying with everything that I am that Mothers Day is a holiday I will never have to skip again.  Maybe you can say a prayer for me too...or rather, for Baby M.  Pray that he is here for all of the rest of the Mother's Days (and Father's Days, and Halloweens and Thanksgivings and Passovers) of our lives.  Maybe if we start praying now, it will have a more intense cumulative effect.  Baby M deserves what Maxie didn't get - to be happy and healthy with a long, long life.  He deserves it (I sort of think Teddy and I - and our moms - do too).