I was very gentle with myself yesterday.  I worked hard to not let myself "go there" (anywhere dark).  When flashbacks or angry thoughts or deep sadness tried to seep in, I literally forced it all out of my mind.  Ted really took care of me.  He woke up and got us bagels and coffee and gave me a really sweet card.  Then, we sat outside and had breakfast at our brand new patio table.  Did I even mention that Ted got this BEAUTIFUL table for more than 75% off?  Honestly, I think this is my new favorite piece of furniture ever.  It seats eight.  Eventually we may have eight people over again.  It could happen.

I spent the rest of the day doing stuff for my babies: working on my art projects and photo albums.  We watched movies and just hung out on our new couch!

I got lots of nice emails and text messages from friends - no "Happy Mothers Day"s, just lots of "Thinking about you"s.  Really nice.  Thank you.  I am repeating a new mantra to myself...thinking that if I say it enough, maybe I will just accept it instead of agonizing about it all of the time.  "Maxie and I will be together again and then we will have all of eternity to love and play with each other".  Is that how people build faith?  If you just repeat it and want it, does it become your truth?  I hope so.  There is nothing I want more.  I am thrilled that I got through the first of my lifetime of Mothers Days without Max.


Susan Ireland said...

The next one was easier for me - I hope it will be for you too. You did well to be gentle with yourself.

I also wasn't able to entertain after Catherine died. Madeleine's Christening is the first time I've really got back on that particular horse - that would be just over 2 years after Catherine died. It doesn't matter as long as you get there - just take your time.

Love the sofa and the table. If we had a patio table though, there would be one day a year it would be warm enough to use it - so I am envious of your weather too! said...

I was thinking about you and Maxie. I honestly have to I pictured myself with Jayden. I remember how much I love to hold him and look at him. And yes I cry and cry but I have to have the hope that we will be together that this was not the original plan to loose our babies. And the one day in the future I will hold him and look at him again.