On Mothers Day

My sweet Max,

You've been gone a little longer than you were here by now. Your absence is still all I feel every day. Every day. Especially today.  Though I often feel angry or sad about losing you, I also feel tremendously blessed to have had you. You made me a mommy – the thing I wanted to be my whole life. I felt unsure about what kind of a mother I would be, but you made it so easy for me.  It was as if it was the only thing I had ever been.  You made me a more compassionate, loving and patient soul and I will be forever grateful for those gifts.

My sweet boy.  You surprised me with your happiness.  Your good natured and easy going personality made it a delight to parent you.  Your quiet curiosity.  Your beautiful open heart.  You were sure to be a child that I would always take pride in.  My heart still swells with pride in your spirit.  I could not believe that you were actually mine - this boy I had waited my whole life for.  In my eyes, you are and will always be perfect.  My search for meaning in this life without you is proving to be a difficult road because you were everything to me and still are.  I love you more each day and I will miss you for a lifetime.  Maxie- you are my whole heart.

Love forever, 

I carry your heart with me 

EE Cummings
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) 
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

To my mommy friends who have lost their beloved children (and to those friends who have lost mothers):
On the Jewish High Holy Day of Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement), Jews traditionally fast.
In the days and weeks leading up to that day, we wish each other an "Easy Fast" - 
knowing that getting through that day without food is incredibly difficult
Today I wish you all an "Easy Mothers Day", knowing that living without our babies today (like every day) is next to impossible.  
This morning, Gavin's mommy sent me this.  
 "If you're tired today then sleep.  If the sun hurts your eyes close the blinds.  If you feel like crying cry."
I wish the same for all of you with so much love.


Becca said...

You are heavily on my mind today. I hate that you are living through this day without your darling baby. Keeping you very much in the light today.

Zoie said...

Maxie's sweet little closed hand on your chest speaks volumes about the love between him and you, his mommy. I want to cry. I am so sorry, Abby. My heart goes out to you, truly.

jkbrumbaugh@gmail.com said...

Thank you. Abby I know and Im confident that we will see our babies again. I love this post. Beautiful wait to describe so many feelings.

Tiffany Torres said...

that ee cummings poem is one that is very close to my heart now. i have "i carry your heart in my heart" as part of 1 of my Julius tattoos.

i hope that your mother's day was gentle.