In Perspective

I wrote over the weekend about a reality television personality, Bethenny Frankel, being pregnant again.  I am actually not sure about that now.  I think I heard that actually she had a miscarriage.  Perhaps she then got pregnant again?  Like I said, I don't actually know what is happening with celebrities most of the time.  But, I did see something about her speaking to Ellen about having a miscarriage at eight weeks and saying that she was devastated.

I too, had a miscarriage...at 7 weeks.  I miscarried the week after what would have been Max's first birthday and it was sad and really disappointing and.....that's about it.  It felt like god maybe wasn't sure that we knew his wrath was directed at us and just wanted to make us feel extra sure.  Hopefully, he/she knows that we got the message.  Still, I don't really picture who that child might have been.  I don't feel a great sense of loss.  It felt more like getting a rejection letter from a school I really wanted to get into.  And, I KNOW that if we hadn't lost Max, it would have felt so much harder than it did.  It could have felt devastating...and, somehow that breaks my heart a little.

When Ted and I went to the hospital last week to make sure everything with Baby M was ok, the nurse asked how many pregnancies I've had and Ted answered "2".  Ted's not a woman, so he doesn't know that they are actually asking about all pregnancies - even the ones that didn't make it.  I corrected him and told her that I had had three pregnancies.  It just hardly registers for us.  I wish it were my greatest trauma or that it even really registered on my trauma meter (not that I need something else to feel traumatized about).  I know that sounds terrible....but I do.  And, I am not trying to be controversial.  I DO get it.  I DO get that a miscarriage is terrible.  Believe me.  And, that the further along you are, the more traumatizing it would be.  And, we were only 7 weeks along with the miscarriage we had.  Still, we felt hope with that pregnancy and then it was gone and in the moment, it felt really sad but, like a week later, it just wasn't that sad anymore.  The fact is I wonder if anything will ever really feel sad again in light of this loss.

When I wrote about that miscarriage, I got so many emails and phone calls from friends.  It was nice to feel so much support.  I even heard from people I hadn't heard from since Max had passed.  Lots and lots of miscarriage stories (it actually became too much...I wasn't strong enough to handle that much pain at that time).  Obviously, people could relate.  It had probably been devastating for them.  The truth is that for us, being that it was in the shadow of losing Max - a boy we knew and loved and kissed and hugged and played with and sang to - it just wasn't.  So, just for us, it was more of a disappointment than a loss.  Again, I know it would have been different under different circumstances but these were our circumstances and in our circumstances, it was just one more kick - but not a life altering blow.  Our lives had already been devastated.

Now, this is the part that probably will make you crazy but, I am jealous that the women who have miscarriages get to breathe a deep sigh of relief when their babies are born.  And, it seems like most people think that I will do the same when Baby M is born.  But, see, I won't.  I will be happy and thrilled to see he is here.  It is hopeful for sure, but giving birth to Baby M doesn't tell me anything about whether or not he will make it to his first birthday or all of the birthdays he deserves after that.  Having Baby M is something I am so looking forward to and it will give me a sense of wholeness again in some ways.  I believe that he has saved my life thus far (well, him and Teddy and family and support from others).  If I hadn't been trying to get pregnant with him, and then been pregnant with him all of this time, I just don't know if I would be here.  I have had some very dark thoughts - still do.  But, I love him already.  I loved him when I saw the pregnancy stick that showed I was pregnant with him and I have allowed myself to fall a little more in love with him as each week has passed.  But, a healthy pregnancy is something I have experienced before.  The real challenge for me comes AFTER Baby M is born.

I have asked the doctors what we will do if the genetic testing doesn't give us any answers and they don't have a strategy, which worries me.  I have asked if we can check Baby M's liver and the response I most often get is that if we find something wrong with his liver and we don't know what caused it, we won't be able to treat it.  Then, they usually say something like, "It might be better not to check it because all that will do is worry you".  Like there is any chance on earth that I won't be worried if they don't check it.  Other doctors say that they don't think there could have been anything wrong with his liver because if there was, we would have seen evidence of that in other ways (his behavior, the color of his skin, his appetite).  All we saw was a beautiful and happy baby.  Next to the fact of Max not being here anymore, the second greatest injustice and trauma is that we have NO IDEA why he is not here.  It makes me sick to my stomach and it feels so so so so so unfair.

This pregnancy with Baby M gives us tremendous hope for our future happiness.  His arrival will bring even more hope.  However, it is his survival that I am depending on.  Anything less would leave me more broken than I could possibly handle...and the kicker is that there is no magic threshold that will give me peace.  We will just have to do the very best we can with the very little information we have.... I hate this.