Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Oh my god!  We lost Max!  I just can't believe it.  How did this happen?  I can't stop crying.  I can't believe that this actually happened.  I can't believe that I will never kiss his face again.  I can't believe that we will never go to Disneyland, or the Travel Town museum, or the park together!  I am flooded with his absence.  I am flooded with incredulous searing pain.

For the past few nights I have experienced some sleep apnea.  Like my breathing just stopped and went dead.  Only, it woke me up and I somehow corrected it.  Is this what happened to my baby?  What the hell happened to my baby?  Why can nobody tell me what happened?  I wrote about how much I don't like being called strong but I have to say, I have no choice!  I guess I am strong.  What freaking choice do I have?  If I want to even get through this one miserable day, I have to be strong.

I don't even care anymore if I sound repetitive or if you wonder why I am not over this yet.  Or if my sorrow pushed you away.  I miss him deep in my blood.  I miss him with a stronger feeling than I have ever felt for anything in my life.  I wanted to protect him from everything and then he died.  What kind of a mother does that make me?  How have I been entrusted to do this again?  I promise to be even more vigilant this time.  I promise not to give myself any breaks.  I promise to love him as much as I love his brother.  Oh god!  How can this be?  How did we lose our Max?

16 comments:

rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Marla said...

I am so sorry Abby. So very very sorry. This never should have happened. Never. And all I can do is tell you how much I love you. How very very sad I am for Maxie, for Ted, for you.

Jillkbreiner said...

Oh, Abby. I am so heartbroken for you. It sounds like the shock has worn off, as I imagine it must do in waves. I wish more than anything that this nightmare never happened to you, Ted, and Max.

Taryn said...

Shedding tears and sending love your way and his....

Tiffany Torres said...

((hugs)) many times i prayed for my breathing to just stop. it hasn't. i will never understand what happened to our boys :(

jessica said...

Oh honey, I am so, so sorry. Sending you all my love. xo

greg said...

So sorry Abby. It's not fair. Love you both.

Anna said...

Dear Abby, it is so wildly unfair that little Maxie is not with you and Ted. I am so so sorry. Thinking of you everyday as I read your journey. Sending love and huge hugs from Australia. xxxooo

jkbrumbaugh@gmail.com said...

Im so sorry, I wish I could give you an actual hugg. My pain is the worse its ever been its already 3 months and Jayden is not here and I do also feel like I keep saying how much pain and how much it hurts but thats the closest words I can find to describe. Its okay you can keep saying it... Im sorry. - Jayden's mommy Kira

Egreeno said...

I'm so so so sorry that you lost your sweet and most precious boy! I'm so sorry that there are no answers. You were, are, and will be the most perfect mother to both your boys, you did nothing wrong. Sending you all my love, E

Bianca said...

I will be sorry eternally that you have to bear so much pain and loss and fear, and that Max is not with us. It is awful and so unfair and unlucky and not because of something you did or didn't do in your parenting, which was all love and devotion. I have not met a more connected, careful mama and it is wretched that you and your beautiful family has to carry this very worst kind of pain.

Tallie Fishburne said...

Abby, I am so sorry you have to feel this way and write these words. It is so unfair and tragic and painful that Max is not with you and Ted. You were and are a wonderful mommy to to the boys you are carrying in your belly and in your heart.

Sarah Brown said...

Abby, you did nothing wrong. You were and are an amazing, dedicated mother. You and Ted were wronged, and deserve nothing but peace, happiness. I'm so sorry for your agony and incomprehensible loss.

Daphna said...

Abby, I am so sorry for your loss... There are no other words.

robyn said...

my heart breaks for you, ted and your dear precious boy, maxie. none of this is fair to any of you. i am so sorry that you have no answers and that have to go through this horrible pain. you were a fabulous mother to maxie and you will be to baby m as well. you did nothing wrong. sending you all my love.

Leslie K. said...

It's incomprehensible how random and unfair life can be. You are not to blame for this tragedy and I hope you really know that down deep in your soul. Every word you write shows what a devoted mother you were/are to Max and will be to Baby M. as well. So very sorry for all you're having to endure.

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