Flawed

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

It's time to change my tone.  I think I tried this once or twice before but when I fell back into the pit, so did my tone.  The truth is, I am not really mad at anyone for saying or doing anything....well, I might be kind of mad at a few people but I assure you - they don't read my blog.  I often vent here about people who I know aren't reading it anyway.  It is both satisfying and unsatisfying at the same time.  There are those who then do read my blog (a sign of support in and of itself) who always think I am directing my anger towards them.  That really gets me nowhere.

I thought being open enough to write about what it is REALLY like in this life of mine would be a "good" thing.  I was mistaken.  I thought other parents who have lost their children might say "I am thinking that too!".  Perhaps that has happened.  Perhaps not.  I also thought I would look back one day and say "I've come so far."  Sadly, I haven't come that far yet so maybe my journal is the best place to write those really real thoughts I have.  The fact is that my life remains incredibly dark and telling readers about it has the potential to make people angry and defensive.  I have done enough of that and honestly, Maxie's death is my burden to bear...not yours.

I will try again to change my tone.  I will try to keep my anger to myself and share only the stuff that is appropriate for the public.  I will try to share my journey without bringing you on my journey with me.  There is no need for all of us to suffer.  I am in so much pain already, I shouldn't be opening myself up or causing any more pain than there already is.  I will do my best but I am sure I will have dark days of weakness, where I will fail, where I will express my anger and then regret it again.  I am also only human, like you.

I am ashamed that I have told you my darkest thoughts...but I am flawed.  I was flawed as a mother, I am flawed as a friend, I am flawed as a daughter, I am flawed as a wife, and I am flawed now, in my grief.  As the commenter in the post I wrote below says, I should just be happy to be with anyone who will sit with this flawed woman.  Thank you so much to everyone who has done just that.  You have helped some of the days go by and helped me to forget my sorrows, even if for just moments at a time.

18 comments:

Tiffany said...

i can't believe anyone would make you feel bad for being honest about your grief. shame on them!! i'm always so shocked by how thoughtless people can be. you do what YOU need to do in order to get through each day without Maxie. everyone else can "suck it". i'm sorry to be so rude, but life after losing our children is so hard, and the last thing you need is anyone adding to your grief.

Kate said...

I agree with Tiffany. You should never feel you have to "sugar coat" your grief. This is supposed to be a safe room where you should be able to express yourself however you want. Those of us that love you, Ted and Max would never expect you to edit your feelings.
(sorry if this comment posts twice-computer is acting wonky)

rebecca Patrick-Howard said...

Don't change it! I read it all the time and think, "I think that, too!" And don't ever be ashamed for telling us your darkest thoughts.

Your anger, sadness, frustration, and everything else is a part of you and how you feel. Please keep sharing it.

Becca said...

I don't think you should feel ashamed. It's fine to take feedback from people and try a different approach if you think that will work for you, but that doesn't mean that anything you've written previously has been a mistake or "wrong." Even in your darkest posts, it is clear that you have a beautiful soul.

jessica said...

Please don't temper your tone or your writing in order to make your readers more "comfortable". Your blog is your place to express yourself, share your journey and give people an honest look at complicated grief and your path through this devastation. If it makes people angry and defensive then they should stop reading. It breaks my heart that, once again, we are talking about you not being able to share your feelings. This is your truth and you should be able to share that unedited. Why should you have to pretty things up to make others more comfortable? Your beautiful, sweet, loving boy died and you and Ted are just trying to make your way through it all. There is nothing pretty about the reality that you are living right now and I, for one, find your honesty and your willingness to share even your darkest thoughts to be incredible. You are helping all of us to understand and you are helping to support others who are (so, so sadly) in the same situation as you. We are all, each one of us, flawed. I am honored to read the words of, sit with and love your beautiful, flawed soul. All of my love and strength to you, Teddy, Maxie Moo and Baby M. xo

Jenny Romanowski said...

Abby be true to yourself every moment of everyday! This is your place not ours...isn't it??

Taryn said...

This is your space for heaven's sake so be as 'flawed' as you need/want to be! I personally don't see 'flawed,' I see endless love and excruciating loss in action. If what you have to share bothers people, they don't have to come back, or they need to grow a little thicker skin. Please continue to share your feelings...you have listed so many good reasons to share your grief, and I think you are right on the money for doing so! Keep on going!

Tamar said...

I agree with what everyone else has written. This is YOUR blog and yes, it's public, but it's not required reading for anyone. I also think that as much as it's therapeutic for you to write here, it's also super valuable for all the people that love you - friends and even strangers - to read it and see where you are on a given day. It could possibly helps us be better friends to you and give you what you need in terms of support. Not that any one person can take away the horrible pain, but at least we can read the blog and have even the smallest sense of what you're going through. I am thankful for this blog and thankful for your honesty and I hope you don't censor yourself. I love you, Ted, Maxie and Baby M so much.

NikaM said...

Everyone will travel this "journey" differently. Everyone. That doesn't mean that you have to change how you think or how you write because of those others. This is your space to vent. To yell. To cry. To laugh. To let out whatever thoughts, emotions, and frustrations you need to. Sometimes that "darker side" might get a little ugly, but that's a normal and natural part of grief. No one can expect you to be nice or calm or happy or anything else.

ALL of us, whether we are grieving or not, have those dark thoughts that we don't always like to admit. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for having them or for sharing them.

Melissa Rossi said...

Hi Abby
This isn't the right forum for this question but I've been following your blog and wasn't sure of the status of your fb account. I teach 7th grade geography and right now we are knee deep in our middle east unit. The final performance task has the kids proposing a solution to the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. We are also going to the UN in two weeks. I was inspired months ago when you mentioned the shared bike ride you were going to participate in before your sweet baby was taken. I also thought that your attempt to rebuild the forest in Maxie's honor was beautiful. Anyway- I was wondering if you could direct me to any websites that I could share with my students about the attempts for Israelis and Arabs to work together for peace. I have many Muslim students who have been directly affected by the Arab SPring, but many more 12-13 year olds I am desperately trying to inspire. I thought maybe you would know of some good resources, working for JNF...
You can email me on fb or at mrossi@milforded.org, but please feel no pressure. I hope as a fundraiser you understand my request...
I am so sorry, did not think you sounded too bitter and can understand your conflicted feelings as baby m arrives. Thanks for you're help

Sonia said...

Jessica has said it so beautifully and eloquently. It's your space, your blog, please write exactly what you want and need to... Thinking of you and your family - Sonia x

John Phillips said...

Re-read this comment from some who does not know you, from your post on Satruday, "The Final Strech", a commenter posted this:

"You don't know me but reading your blog has helped me to better understand and respond to a friend who lost her sweet 4 month old boy. Your honesty is both heartbreaking and refreshing. I believe that your frankness is a blessing to those devastated by the loss of those dearest to them, their children......"

I think the comment speaks for itself..

robyn said...

we are choosing to read your blog and to go on this journey with you, that is what friends do. the thought that you would change your tone because some people can't deal with what you are going through is heartbreaking. this is your venue to do and say what you want, what you feel with no censoring necessary. like what jessica said, i too am just appreciative that you have allowed us insight into what you think and feel and have allowed us to go on the journey with you through your honesty and words. you are not flawed, you are a woman who is suffering an incredible loss. all my love to you, ted, maxie and baby m.

Sanetha said...

Hello to everyone reading this. I got on this blog because the link was posted on a face book page for people who have lost loved ones. The title Missing Maxie got my attention so I clicked on the link and am now connected to receiving a daily blog. There is a reason for everything.

I think it would help some of you to read what I wrote a day ago and I am certain some of you have. Correct me if I am wrong but I felt strongly that she is writing the blog of course to vent her pain, grief, anxiety etc.and most importantly she is asking for help...right?

Of course we all have to get through it what ever way we can. I have read her posts and I can feel her pain deep into my soul. As a human being and someone who knows what she is going through I felt I could offer an alternative suggestion filled with unconditional love.

In the meantime I felt compelled to help which includes a way to move from the pain and sorrow into a place of love and light. This is a place where anyone can go if they chose (free will and choice). I understand not everyone will.

I am not telling anyone not to grieve.. WHY WOULD I DO THAT? We will never stop missing our loved ones. The pain will always be there and I think we can all agree that it is that pain that we do not want to let go because it is our connection to them. I am offering an alternative connection that has no pain, no more sorrow. I believe I was put on this site for a reason.

I guess I didn't understand that this blog was set up for reading purposes only. I appreciate all responses when I write which helps all of us see other perspectives. Sometimes people say things that really resonates with someone else and doesn't with others. We are ALL so very different.

Wishing you all well...Love & Light

Sanetha

maxiesmommy said...

Thank you for your supportive comments. It's hard to feel "pushed away" with so much support. My post yesterday was not directed at Sanetha. I have just been giving it thought and it isn't fair to family and unfriends to "unload" on them. I've been told that people are scared to reach out to me or that I am pushing people away. Maybe it's better to keep certain things to myself. I'll never be able to adequately explain why I feel like I do or how deeply I feel it. It hang changed my life that much to be able to express myself anyway. I was longing for understanding and now I think part of "this" is just the knowledge that I will be forever misunderstood- even by some of the people closest to me. It's part of the package. Thank you for "listening" to me.

Maxie's Mommy said...

Stupid auto correct! I meant to write family and friends (not unfriends)...strange. And That unloading hasn't changed my life.... Not hang! Frustrating!

Allisonkovac said...

This is your "living room." We are guests. I personally feel honored to be your guest. I read your blog first and foremost because of the love I have for Teddy (and now for you and Maxie-as strange as that may sound) and secondly, because of how real and dark and honest and open you are. We are all free to leave your house when we chose-I for one know that I am sticking by your sides (unless you want me {or anyone} to leave-and that is your choice. This "living room" is, in my opinion, how it should be-honest and open and hard to handle at times. There will be arguments and various opinions and points of view shared-we may not all agree on all things at all times. That is living. This is your room.

Thank you for sharing this room with all of us.

Sonja Carassai-Haus said...

I DO NOT think you are flawed in anyway!!!! I came across your blog from John Holland's FB page!!! Your emotions are raw and REAL!!! I read what you write and it brings me back to how I felt 3 years ago when I first lost my son!!!!! I was obsessed...I couldn't think about anything else except that I lost him..consumed by grief..such a dark despairing place...no parent should ever have to go through this..but we are not given that choice...our membership in this club that we never wanted to join, is mandatory and you can never opt-out...and this horrifying experience is now woven into the tapestry of our lives. You share, you are brutally honest..keep on writing!! You wrote that Maxie's burden was yours to bear...and yes it is...I remember when Jon died... after one week of non-stop action, the house being full at ALL times of people...his friends, cousins, family members never leaving our house...sleeping on the floor...the house was never quiet..people asking me if I could stand everyone being here...my reply was "yes"..because I knew after the funeral, everyone would go back to their lives and the house would be quiet and I would be left with this horror...just me, my husband, and my youngest son...with my beautiful boy gone...the grief, the journey back to the living was my mine and mine alone... NO ONE could take if from me..it was mine to bear and mine alone.

Keep writing, keep it real, don't feel flawed in any way...you are not..your are a mommy who lost her precious baby boy.....your heart has been broken into pieces and ripped from your chest..again...no parent should EVER have to suffer like this!

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