On Saturday, we went to my dad's house to visit.  We brought bathing suits, even though both of us knew we didn't really want to swim.  The last times we were in his pool, Maxie was with us.  The whole backyard has Maxie memories for me, starting with his bris.  I hope that someday, that will be a really wonderful thing.  Right now, all of our houses (ours, my dads and my moms) have so many memories, I can't help but look around and just long for Max.  I guess everything in my world makes me long for my baby.  I miss him so much.

Anyway, when we got there, my dad announced that we had entertainment for the afternoon: A momma duck and her eight ducklings (I nicknamed her - Octomom) had taken up residence in the pool.  They were SO cute.  The little ducklings reminded me of Max with their fuzzy little heads.  I was actually feeling jealous of the momma duck!  In fact, once she seemed to determine that we were harmless, she took off for like an hour.  I felt sort of responsible, like we were babysitting.  When she flew back, the pappa duck was with her...he kept flying past and she landed back in the pool.  Presumably, it was "date night".

The ducks make me think of something that I haven't really shared with many - except for jokingly.  That is my need for more children after Baby M.  I am not talking about a need like "Oh, I think we will have this one and then wait a year or two before trying for another one".  I am actually a little neurotic about it....I think.  Two weeks before Max stopped breathing, I thought I might be pregnant again.  My breasts were tender, I felt kind of crampy and a little sick.  We hadn't planned on getting pregnant again so quick but the thought excited me anyway.  Turns out that it was just the return of my period, which I hadn't had since before conceiving Max.  It had come back, I am sure, because I had stopped breastfeeding and pumping and was just feeding Max frozen breastmilk and formula.  After Max passed, I SO wished that I had actually been pregnant.

Looking to my future, I worry that breastfeeding exclusively (which I really plan to do) will inhibit my period again.  I want to get pregnant again before .......this happens again.   And, I know it's crazy because Baby M will live, right?  I mean, that's what we think.  That's what we hope.  That's what everyone keeps telling us.  It's just this horrible feeling like I need to have so many babies to ensure that one lives.  But, of course, nobody in their right mind would keep having babies if they thought those babies wouldn't live.  Plus, I am 38....so even though women continue to have children into their 40s in this day and age, there is still my age to contend with.  I can't imagine it gets any easier physically.  My body felt broken down after having Max.  I was just starting to feel normal again when he stopped breathing.

So, I found myself jealous of this duck who got to have eight babies in one shot.  And, that may just be this year.  Who knows how many babies she has had or will have in her lifetime?  I'll be happy with what I get.  And, no, I don't really want 8...but 4 (including Max) might be a good number. And, maybe we'll adopt (though that sounds like a long and sometimes heartbreaking process as well).  I would have been happy if Max had been our only to be honest.  But, my future baby/babies MUST live.  They just have to live.  Still, I am not planning on getting back on that mini pill after Baby M is born.  We're just rolling the dice from here on out (ok Ted? :))


Susan Ireland said...

Yes, yes, yes. The thing is your children dying really makes a mockery of FAMILY PLANNING. I was planning to have one myself - then suddenly - without consultation I had NONE. I thought I was in charge and could determine how many children I had. What did I know. But now I know - It makes you think that maybe you need an "insurance baby". Suppose Madeleine dies - I cannot help but ask. And how can it be appropriate to use contraception when you know just how precious a baby is?

All that time and effort you spent for years, on the pill or whatever, thinking an unwanted baby would be a disaster - when you didn't have a clue what the word even meant!

However... there are other considerations - the ones you had in the first place when you planned your family. Would endless ttc just insure my life was awful. Would having more children than you'd never intended be smart. Part of me worries that a stressful period of TTC (I'm 42 though, not 38) followed by the rollercoaster of pregnancy - might just sap away all the joy I have in my existing child. Difficult stuff.

Tiffany said...

i feel much the same now too. i'm so jealous of those that carry twins. i want more kids like now. i should have 2 in the house, but we have 1. and i still wonder why it had to be my son that had to pass away. there are millions of families that have children and never have to deal with the thought of losing any of them. and here we are, a forever incomplete family. :(

i try my hardest to just focus on cherish every moment with our baby girl. but i can't help but wonder what our family will look like this time next yr. or when my period will return as i am breastfeeding her too. with Julius i was glad i didn't have my period while bf-ing. but now it just makes me think that i'm going to have to wait a while before we plan for the next.