The Dark Side

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Some days it hits me so hard, I don't think I will make it one more minute, let alone a lifetime.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My instinct was to get in my car and drive as far as my car would take me.  To leave my life.  To escape.  But, there is nowhere to go.  I am stuck.  I am stuck in this body, with this life, that doesn't include my baby boy.  In my agony, I found myself in hysterics on my bathroom floor, in a pile of my own drool, eight months pregnant, begging god to have mercy on me already.  I want my baby back so badly. Some days, I completely unravel.  It often takes weeks to put myself back together and then, I am only good for a few days really.  I worry about being this honest with you.  But, this is what it sometimes is.  The dark side of losing a child is indeed dark.

12 comments:

Jenny Romanowski said...

Abby pain like this should not exist. This should not be happening. Max should be in your arms watching your belly grow. It is nothing to say it is not fair. There is no words to say. Just know you are thought of every day and Max will be honored and remembered for lifetimes to come. Warm wishes and thoughts as always.

Tiffany said...

This gave me chills as I could have written it word for word

Bianca said...

I am so very sorry for your pain. I can fully imagine that a grieving mama faces some of the darkest days. Losing a child is the greatest heartbreak and you, Maxie and Ted never deserved this. Sending love and prayers for some light ahead.

Fiona said...

I could've written this myself.
Sending you lots of love,
hang in there.

Marla said...

Abby, I am so sorry you have to endure this pain day in and day out with very little or no relief. I would give anything to take it away.

jessica said...

I am so sorry that you have to even contemplate a minute or a lifetime without your Maxie. I am so sorry for the relentless pain and heartache that you and Teddy have to live through. I wish that there was something, anything that I could do to lessen the pain and help you through the darkness. I'm sending you all of my love, strength and prayers.

Sonia said...

Am so sorry Abby. Still here reading your words, and thinking of you all. Do what you have to do - its your space and your blog. Sending you love and peace, Sonia

NikaM said...

I still have those days, just not as often.

Lots of hugs and prayers.

Egreeno said...

I am so sorry and I so hate that you have to live through this pain. I appreciate your honesty in sharing what you are going though so much, it is heartbreaking yes but I'm glad you can share some of the pain and heartache here in your own space and in your own time. I would do anything to be able to burden some of this for you. Reading this makes me (and many others I’m sure) wish I could have run over and scooped you off the floor and told you everything is going to be OK but I know that it will never be OK and you are doing what you can and have to, to navigate that reality. The fact that you have to live life without Maxie and that he has been robbed of the full life he should have had with you and Ted and his future siblings is so incredibly cruel and unfair. Sending you all my love -E

robyn said...

it breaks my heart that you live with so much pain and that you have to live without your beautiful little boy maxie. i am glad you share this pain with us though. as your friends we need to know how and what you are going thru so we can be there for you the best way possible. i wish i was closer so that i could at least give you hugs. know that i think of you all the time though. i love you.

Michelle said...

Like the Chicken Soup book says "I'm here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere... I won't mind how long you grieve. I won't tell you to pull yourself together."

Never worry about being honest, those who judge do not understand.

Leslie K. said...

Abbs,

I am so sorry for the pain you have to endure. There must be days when it feels utterly unbearable. I hope there are many more moments of light ahead than moments of darkness. And please try not to be worry about being too honest. Sending my love.

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