Neck and neck

I have two emotions that rule my life.  Two emotions that I cannot get a break from.  When one of these emotions settles down, even in the slightest, the other one must see the opportunity to come at me with unrelenting aggression.  The two emotions are grief and fear and they are literally with me for all of my waking and resting hours.

I am in so much pain (and a total broken record...I recognize).  But, OH, SO MUCH PAIN!   I think I miss his cheeks most of all.  I could have kissed them all day and all night.  Sometimes his little cheeks were just wet with my kisses.  I could not stop.  When I think about him and those cheeks and every other part of him, I want to die.  Honestly.  Life is empty and nonsensical without him.  

And the pain I feel about having lost Max is just slightly more than the fear I feel for Baby M.  I am excited for him to get here.  Really.  I am counting down the days.  But, I feel like he is safer inside of me.  My fears are not unfounded.  They are not illogical.  They are deeply rooted in my reality.  Maxie's death may not have been a fluke or a freak accident.  It may have been genetic.  So, I am SCARED.  I am more excited about Baby M's first birthday than I am about his birth day.  I can imagine real joy on that day!  And, I still know that I will wake up the next day scared.  At this stage, the fear far outweighs the excitement.  It crashes in on my brain all day long in waves of terror.  

Some days the two emotions are neck and neck.  It's like a close horse race and I never can tell who is going to pull ahead.  On a day where I am lucky enough to quiet the part of my brain that worries (incessantly) that Baby M won't make it, it frees up so much emotional space to grieve even harder for Max.  On the days where I can't stop thinking about Baby M's future, I am able to quiet my grieving mind ever so slightly.  The fear is as debilitating as the grief.  I would sell my soul to have Max back.  I would sell my soul to know what killed him.

I know I need to "trust" that everything will be ok.  I don't remember how to trust.  I have been reprogrammed.  My "new normal" is an untrusting one.  Although, I have always been wired to trust until I have been given reason not to.  When I lose trust in something or someone, it takes years for me to learn to trust them again.  If I've been hurt, I don't easily let it go.  I don't trust that everything will be ok but I pray that it will be.  Sadly, I stopped trusting prayer when Maxie died as well.  Do you know how many people were praying for him?  They prayed all over the United States.  They even prayed in France and Israel and Mexico...and he still died.  

I do believe that Baby M will bring us happiness and joy.  I trust that.  I am grateful for it.  But, the little guy also brings a whole new level of fear with him.  I will work to quiet the fear but from what I understand from other parents, it is just about the scariest thing in the world - having another child after your first one dies of SIDS (or cancer, or spina bifida, or any congenital defects or any other terrible thing that babies die from).

Still, I can't wait to get my lips on those cheeks.  I hope they are as tasty as his brother's were.  I hope that he smells just as delicious.  I hope he smiles with his heart, like Max did.  I hope he looks deep into my eyes and that we fall madly in love...and that we have dance parties in our living room, and we read books together and I can't wait for bath time to come back into our home.  All of my hopes and dreams are all bundled into this one little bundle of a baby, all of our "eggs" are in this one little basket - so he just HAS to make it. RIGHT?  I mean, he just HAS to.  I would sell my soul for him to make it.  And, it he does, it will be worth all of the fear and anxiety, because he is worth everything in the world to me already.

** The craziest thing just happened too.  I went to read another momma blog that I check in on regularly and found such a similar sentiment posted.  Truly, I am not alone in these feelings I have.  Any of them:

1 comment

Anne Nilsson said...

"I hope he smiles with his heart." What a beautiful, poetic and perfect description! I am sure he will, as will you.