Touching on the complexity
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Everything I do with Mo feels so familiar and brings back SO many memories of his big brother. I miss Maxie so much. I wish he was here to give his little brother big kisses. I feel guilty for feeling joy even though he is gone forever. There is hardly enough room in me for everything that I feel right now. But, honestly, part of what I DO feel is happy and it is weird. It has been so long. I knew I would love Mo, but for whatever reason, I didn't imagine feeling so much joy. I just didn't think it was possible. At the same time, I would be lying if I didn't say that I am devastated still (probably always will be) that I lost my soulmate. I am actually looking forward to my body healing so that I can break down and cry hard. I want to howl - like really let it all go but for now I keep pushing it down because I am in too much physical pain. I feel like I've been in a car wreck. And, I am scared - he looks so healthy! He looks just like Max did. Remember - Max was not a sick boy. We have a bunch of doctors appointments coming up for Mo - he is seeing his pediatrician, the geneticist, a hepatologist (liver specialist) and a SIDS specialist. Maybe one or more of these will help put my mind at ease. I sure hope so because I need some peace desperately.
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I am sorry that your joy cannot be complete without both of your babies in your arms. That is a horrible aspect of your loss that you are now delving into as you welcome your new baby boy. You are dealing, like you said, with such complex issues and feelings. Be easy on yourself. This is such a hard time even though it is also a very happy one. Try not to feel too guilty for loving and adoring Mo as much as you do Maxie. Your love for little Mo does not in any way minimize your love for, and devotion to, Maxie. This is probably painfully obvious on an intellectual level...hopefully your heart and soul can feel peace about this too because that's where it really matters. Oh, the unavoidable complexity. I am so sorry you have to even THINK about these things, let alone LIVE EVERY MOMENT with such conflicting feelings of joy and agony. I'm praying for you!
I don't think I've ever mentioned here, but my baby sister died of SIDS more than 20 years ago. This loss is still an integral part of me, and integral part of my family's story. She is still a part of all of us, and I believe we are all very much a part of her world too. I don't know if it would be helpful, but if you ever wonder how this could possibly play out for little Mo (obviously it's not exactly the same situation), what it's like to be the child of a mother who's lost a child unexpectedly etc. (I actually feel very blessed...so don't worry. There was certainly some PTSD mixed in there from my parents, but the unconditional love was overwhelming...I know, with out a doubt, that not even death can overcome their love for me...their eternal love for my sister who is not with us right now taught me that) or whatever you'd like to know, please feel free to ask. If you ever wonder how this loss might look for your family way down the road, I can tell you how it is for me and mine, and how it is touching my life today as the mother of my own babies. Just an offer, but certainly do not feel any pressure....you do what feels safe and helpful to you.
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