4 month check up

Today was Mo's four month pediatrician appointment.  I really don't know how much I should attach to anything I learn - like that he is doing great!  I was always told at Maxie's appointments that he was doing really great too.  But, I like getting the stats - like that Mo is 17 pounds and 26 inches long.  He is in the 90th percentile for weight and somewhere in the high 70s for length.  The pediatrician agreed that it is time to ween Mo off of a swaddle for sleeping, which we've been doing.  She said that after four months, a swaddle can be dangerous for babies that can roll over (he isn't rolling over yet even though he is really good at tummy time).  He is mostly doing a really good job soothing himself back to sleep at night by sucking his thumb.  Last night he woke up at 2 am and wanted to play - so we played.  I was grumpy about it for about a minute until I realized how grateful I was that he woke up and wanted to play.  I love him so much!  It just isn't really possible to be annoyed by a lack of sleep when I have a seemingly very happy and healthy baby.  I am grateful for every minute I get to spend with him.

Whenever I am at the pediatrician's office and she is telling me everything about what milestones Mo should be hitting and how to take care of him, all I am thinking is "I did all of that with Maxie".  No matter which way I look at it, we did everything "right".  He slept in a sleep sack, with nothing else in the crib (no stuffed animals or toys), with breathable bumpers and the temperature set at 70 degrees.  He was fed breast milk exclusively for the first six months of his life and we introduced solids one by one every week or so.  I made almost all of his food myself.  I made sure he had plenty of variety and mostly organic stuff.  We never took our eyes off of him.  We never left him by himself on a changing table or raised surface for even a second.  I read all of the books about babies that everyone was recommending.  I mean, I really don't know what went wrong. I really have no explanation.  And, I know that not everyone is as careful as we were.  I know that because people tell us the crazy stuff they do with their babies (not sure why....bragging?).  I've seen cribs that look like death traps and watched a mommy leave her newborn face down on a blanket in the front yard at a party while she went inside to get a drink and visit with adults.  If anything, I was made to feel overprotective of Max.  I got lots of eye rolls when I reminded caretakers about Max's needs - and still get them with Mo - like when I tried to pick his pacifier up off the floor to clean it before giving it back to him and a friend said, "oh come on Abby - he is your second baby.  With the first you boil, with the second you wipe it off and with the third you just stick it back in their mouth".  I don't know.  I kind of feel like you get lax with your subsequent children when the first one lives...no?

I just feel dumbfounded all of the time.  I know it doesn't matter if I do everything right.  I really really really think I did everything right with Max.  I really really really think I am a good mother...even though I know that not everyone else does...because Max stopped breathing.  I definitely get A LOT of advice about what to do with Mo.  Sadly, I get a lot of conflicting advice...so, I am just doing most things the same way I did with Max and hoping for the best I guess.  I also get advice that I know is outdated but I just nod my head and smile because it just doesn't matter really.  People are going to do what they want to do and I am sure their kids will be just fine, which is wonderful...honestly, I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.  I am just so sad that this is our pain.  I am so sad that Max isn't here to enjoy his little brother.  They are so alike.  I know they'd love each other so much.