My search

I've been so sad this week.  So unable to compartmentalize my grief.  My friend Eowyn hit it right on the head when she wrote me a few days ago to say: 

"it strikes me that you had such a huge disappointment after months of anticipating the possibility of connecting to Maxie and then we kept you very active the rest of the weekend.  We also had lots of good laughs and you had very little alone time and I'm wondering if that somehow delayed you allowing yourself to really feel the disappointment and hurt."

Yep.  That's it.  I just feel shattered that Max wasn't there....and it is a reminder to me that he isn't here...and that is really a reminder I don't need because of course, it is obvious with every breath that I take that my baby is no longer physically here and it is completely soul crushing. 

There are times when I just don't know how I am doing this...how we are doing this...because we are both in so much pain.  Even when it relents for just a little while (and thank god it sometimes does), it seems to come back and hit us with twice the force.

I spoke to another bereaved mother the other night who did the therapy with her husband back in February.  She tells me that it worked for both of them and was amazing.  It seems to have even lifted her husband's grief in a way that he hadn't been able to lift it in the three years since his son died.  I told her that is what I wanted for myself.  She told me that a couple of months later, her mother in law traveled to Washington to do the therapy too and that it didn't work for her and that it totally re-traumatized her and sent her into even further depression.  I had a feeling that could happen to me but the possibility of connecting to Maxie was too important to care about how it could hurt me.  I SO wish it had happened.  

What I can say is that something happened.  At one point something was happening.  Something I have never experienced before - a feeling like there was a presence with me but too close to see - an undulation of color and movement - or some kind of manifestation happening but not coming together somehow.  I can't even really describe it but I felt like - "this is it!"....and then it wasn't.  Perhaps it was all in my head, perhaps it wasn't.  I broke down shortly after.  Maybe I just blew my opportunity by breaking down.  

My friend Greg wrote me earlier this week and said:

"I read all the stuff about Seattle and could seriously feel how in hell you are.  I know this sounds strange - and maybe I'm out of line - but I sometimes don't understand why you have to justify the stuff you do.  I mean, your son died and you wanna connect with him...why is that strange?  If you told me you were going to Mongolia tomorrow on the .05% chance a wiseman there could talk to your son for 2 seconds, I wouldn't think it was even remotely strange." 

I would, you know.....travel to Mongolia for those 2 seconds of connection.  Sadly, my search has just begun.  Max only just left us.  I have my whole long lifetime (without him) to find him.  I am exhausted already but determined to keep trying.  I will find my son.  I will never stop trying.