Once again, my husband was an amazing sport...this time by coming here with Mo and me and 100 pounds of luggage (literally) so that I could try and catch a glimpse of my baby. I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't work, even though I read that the connections happened 100% of the time. I hoped I wouldn't be the one person who it didn't work for....but I was. I was told it was because I am "too sad". I've heard these words many, many times since Max died. I am not sure what they mean. How sad is "too sad" when your most important person, your baby, the person for whom your life existed for dies? Apparently I am on the other side of the appropriate threshold for grief. "Your grief is like molasses", she said, "He can't get through". Ugh. I left my all-day appointment exhausted and devastated, again in tears. Part of me thinks I should stop trying to find him....the other part knows that I will never stop. If there is even a small chance that he is somewhere and I can reach him, I will figure out how. He is too loved and too important for me to let go of him.
When Maxie was alive, we used to play the Rainbow Connection, sung by Kermit the Frog, and dance around our livingroom. I'd hold Max in my arms and Ted would hug the two of us and we'd sway back and forth - cheeks pressed against cheeks pressed against cheeks....our hearts full of love. When Maxie was in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, hooked up to the machines, Ted played it for him over and over again as if to say, "Maxie, come back! Don't you remember our love?" The words swirl in my head and make me dizzy with love and heartbreak. My Washington therapist told me that rainbows are a sign of the afterlife...."What about rainbow babies?", I wanted to ask.
Ted gave me a beautiful infinity symbol necklace for our wedding. I love it and wear it almost every day. Maxie used to sit on my lap and study it, twirling the charm over and over in his hands. The necklace now symbolizes my love for him - for all of eternity. I will not let him slip away from me - not ever. I honestly still can't believe he is gone.
My Maxie - I love you for all of eternity. I am not going to wait until the next life to be with you again because I need you now. And - if it takes the rest of my lifetime to be with you again, I will work on it every single day because my love for you is forever and with no end to its depth. The hole in my heart is killing me and I need you back to fill it in for me. Please Maxie - I'm doing everything I can. I don't know what else to do anymore but I will keep searching. I promise.
XOXO - Mommy
The Rainbow Connection
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
8 comments
I'm so sorry sweetie for any more heartbreak on top of your greatest heartbreak. The appointment sounds so hard, as if living with Maxie wasn't nearly impossible enough already. It is so clear that the love between the four of you is eternal and unbreakable and I know it is agony to not have sweet Maxie here.
I find it very hard to believe that you are the ONLY one who hasn't been able to connect with your loved one with this therapist. I think her telling you you were "too sad" to connect with Maxie was unfair, and insulting. It upsets me that people like this prey upon other's grief for their own gain. I hope upon hope that you did not give her any money whatsoever. Your baby boy is out there. He loves you and he still knows you're his mommy. He will find and connect with you when you very least expect it. You don't need anyone else to make that happen. He grew inside you. You are connected forever and you DO NOT need a 3rd party who doesn't know or love either one of you to make that happen. I wish you peace on your journey and hope you can find it within yourself and your own family.
I identify so closely with your yearning for your son. I'm so sorry that the attempt to connect with him was unsuccessful. I've never attempted to connect and remain uncertain about my beliefs. I've never gotten any "signs", but I desperately want them. If being too sad prevents one from receiving them, then there's no hope for me either.
If you get a sign, that would make me almost as happy as if I get one. Then I'll know for sure that life continues on.
Agreed. I was being sarcastic. I feel like a shmuck but had to try. Thank you for your faith that it will happen.
I used to love Kermit singing the rainbow connection song also - how sweet that you and your husband danced and sang to Max like that. I'm really sorry the outcome from the appointment wasn't what you hoped and that you left feeling so drained and upset. You sounded like you were having a fulfilling time away with Ted, Mo and your friends and I really hope that in a few days after you've had time to process this that that's the immediate memory of your time away, not you feeling like a schmuck( in reference to your reply above) which you absolutely shouldn't feel because like you said, you had to try. The following words are not meant in I-know-for-sure way, or to put a sugar coat on it, or fix it but, I think he might be sitting right alongside Mo.
Have you ever read this before?
http://lauragraceweldon.com/2012/06/12/mother-child-are-linked-at-the-cellular-level/
My grief is different to yours, I won't pretend we are even anywhere on the same level but like you ill spend the rest of my days trying to connect with my son and long for the day I can hold him again.
This article just stood out from a lot of reading I've been doing in the past few weeks.
I'm so so sorry about what happened to Maxie. He's beautiful beyond words. I hope one day you connect, I really really do.
Someday you'll find Max, it's impossible to believe that life just ends. You should never feel silly that you are willing to try anything to look for your sweet boy and I'm sorry it didn't work up in Washington. p.s. The Lakota Indians consult with their "Wicasa Wakan" to communicate with loved ones who have died. They are the ones who also believe the soul splits up and spreads around to everything--every tree and every tiny blade of grass--so that people we have lost are always with us in everything. Perhaps another avenue to pursue, since they do rituals to communicate with the spiritual plane (part of the 7 Sacred Rights--I will email you some info).
((hugs)) i'm sorry i haven't been here like i've wanted. i'm sorry your appt didn't go like you wanted. the rainbow connection makes me cry every time.
Post a Comment