Dreams and a new year

I dreamt about Maxie all last night.  I dreamt he had been saved by the CPR and was a sweet two year old boy.  I dreamt that I told him that I dreamt all of this....this whole life that I have now without him.  I can't believe I wake up every morning to him not being here.  I love him so much and I worry all of the time that I will forget the details of our life together.  In fact, my greatest fear is reaching the end of my life and NOT realizing how lucky I am that I will soon be with Max.  The end is something I want to continue to look forward to because I miss him so endlessly.  I don't ever want the missing to go away. 

After the first year of mourning and the birth of Mo (and probably because I started taking Zoloft as well), the pain dulled a bit.  I am always thinking of Max, he is never out of my mind.  Never.  But, human beings are resiliant and we keep moving forward, whether we want to or not.  And, I think that is what makes the second year so hard.  You realize that you are still living in a world without your child and the greatest gift - that you can finally breathe again - is what you feel most sick and guilty about.  Because even though I am breathing (and laughing and sleeping and smiling and enjoying my baby Mo), my heart is still 100% broken.  It is smashed and unwhole and it just makes me sick that my broken heart isn't the only thing that matters anymore.  Honestly, it makes me sick.

I've come to realize that I have no idea what this life will bring - good or bad (though all of the good is tempered somewhat by the gigantic BAD, SAD, KILLING ME loss of my child).  So, my New Years resolution is to work on having healthier hands.  Yes, that is it.  I want to lotion my hands everytime I wash them because they've been dry and cracked and hurting since Max was born from so much washing all of the time.  I think it is a resolution I can stick to and something that is actually in my control.  I want to have healthier hands.  That's about all I can manage right now anyway.

Today is Auntie Beth's birthday, by the way.  We love her so much and have had the most wonderful time with her.  Happy Birthday Auntie Beth!  Thank you for hosting us, feeding us and entertaining us all week long!

Also, we have not seen Teddy's parents at all since we've been here.  Teddy's mom, Gigi, got sick a day or so before we got here and the last time we saw her was on Christmas.  Teddy's dad followed right behind.  I feel so badly for them that they haven't gotten to hang out.  Looks like Gigi is on the mend, thank god, and will get to spend some time with Mo today! 


Alyson said...

I am a complete stranger to you. I'm not even sure how I found your blog, but I have been reading for the last hour with tears streaming down my face. Your Maxie is beautiful and adorable! I am so very sorry for your loss. There is nothing else I can say except I admire how you plug along an hour, day or second at a time. You are a lovely, amazing human being to even be functioning after going through what you have. Thank you for sharing your raw grief with me, it has made me a better, more empathetic person (and damn all those people who have treated you poorly!) I have not lost a child but have known loss a lot in my life.

robyn said...

i am so sorry that you have to wake up every day without your maxie...that he is not here to love and hug and bring smiles to your days. i am happy that you have mo and ted in your life, but i am sure that does not make up for the biggest loss of all. here's to those days where it might be a little easier to be in the world. i wish you and your fam a happy new year. and here's to healthy hands! i love you abs.