Existential me

Monday, December 10, 2012


Over the past almost 17 months, I have spent quite a bit of time wondering what the point of it all really is.  You are born, you live, you die.  Along the way, you try to build some meaningful relationships, see some stuff, maybe make a difference in the world or at least to your own family.  You watch the people you love die, the relationships you worked so hard to build fall apart, and the difference you hoped to make doesn't amount to much.  If you are lucky, you get a few good laughs out of it.  And, that's it.

Since Maxie died, many people have asked me if I am "over it yet".  If they haven't asked me directly, they've asked the people close to me.  I may have mentioned - I will NEVER be over my son.  Never.  I have had more than a few friends drop off the face of the earth since Max passed.  Good friends - never to be heard from again.  I guess I just stopped "counting" once my life got sad.  And, people who I thought loved Maxie really never mention him at all.  Lucky for them, Mo has taken Maxie's place and "alls well that ends well".

So, what is really the point?  If the expectation is to "get over" the single most important and loved person in your life as soon as they unexpectedly and prematurely die - why would any of us ever bother to build relationships?  If you died tomorrow, would you want your parents or spouse or friends or children or siblings to "get over" you so quick?  Of course you would want them to move on and find happiness.  But, don't you think you are worth mourning?  Don't you kind of hope you are?  I know, I know, you want your funeral to be a "celebration of your life" - but then do you want the attendees to go home and say, "That was a great life and party" and then forget all about you?  Because most of them will.  After you are gone, there will only be a handful of people who care.  Your spouse will be encouraged to find someone new -perhaps as early as in the weeks following your death.  Your parents will be told to focus on your remaining siblings.  You children will be told that a year is the appropriate amount of time to grieve but people will start getting impatient with their process after a couple of months.  I'm not even dead and people have forgotten me.  And, I am not so much complaining or feeling sorry for myself because those people suck....but I am more wondering - what is the point of it all?

If my own son is someone that I should get over - there must be no relationship on earth worth investing in.  Surely, I would have thought that my relationship with Max would be the greatest investment of my life.  If relationships don't matter, if love doesn't matter, if someone's life doesn't matter, if we become valueless when we are in grief - WHAT IS THE POINT?  What is the meaning of this life?

11 comments:

SadMama said...

All good and valid points. I'm going to share this post with friends and family.

Thank you for all your thoughtful posts. I look forward to reading what you write.

Marla said...

Not a truer word spoken. This SO designated with me Abby.

Anna said...

Hi dear Abby, I hear you! Been pondering some of the same questions recently. Thinking of you, Teddy, Maxie and Mo and sending a big hug.

disqus_EQltFTaVWv said...

Coincidently my friend sent me this article over the weekend. It's about people getting impatient with us.
http://m.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/the-unbearable-sadness-of-being-20121207-2b181.html
Fiona

Marla said...

Whoops, supposed to say "resonated" with me.

maxiesmommy said...

This line of he article is SO true: "We don't need to find magic words that will take their pain away. That isn't possible. We just need to be there and listen, and to know that giving people the space to be at their most vulnerable is its own act of kindness." Thanks for posting this Fiona.

Taryn said...

You hit the nail on the head...or perhaps you hit some numbskulls in the head (and hopefully heart) with your attempt to explain why you will never, ever 'get over' Maxie...why you wouldn't DREAM of trying to! You wrote this post in such a way that even the most hopeless narcissist should be able to understand why grief is not subject to ANY timetable...why love has no shelf-life and cannot be overcome even by death itself. It's pathetic that many people's sense of humanity is so lacking that you have to even explain loss on such an elementary level.

SadMama said...

I added this article to my site http://www.scoop.it/t/grief-and-loss so that even more people will read it.

Sari said...

What a beautiful boy, what an amazing mother. My only wish for you, because, there is really no way to get over this, is that you find enough peace, inner peace to be able to enjoy the days, one day at a time again. And that you can find your beautiful smile again... and even though he is already a little angel, he would never have wanted you to be sad the rest of your life, because he loved you too.

greg said...

It still amazes and angers me that anyone who has ever truly cared for you would expect or wait around for you to get over the death of your gorgeous baby boy. Get over it? He's not a broken phone or a lost job...he's your SON.
I think it's just hard for people to fathom that grieving and life can coincide...

And I can't totally tell you what the point is - but relationships matter, with people who care about you. And love matters, from people give it selflessly. And every life matters, forever.

Seeing Each Day said...

I'm shouting out "yes yes yes!" to both your words Abby as well as that of the article that was posted in the comments.

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