Existential me

Over the past almost 17 months, I have spent quite a bit of time wondering what the point of it all really is.  You are born, you live, you die.  Along the way, you try to build some meaningful relationships, see some stuff, maybe make a difference in the world or at least to your own family.  You watch the people you love die, the relationships you worked so hard to build fall apart, and the difference you hoped to make doesn't amount to much.  If you are lucky, you get a few good laughs out of it.  And, that's it.

Since Maxie died, many people have asked me if I am "over it yet".  If they haven't asked me directly, they've asked the people close to me.  I may have mentioned - I will NEVER be over my son.  Never.  I have had more than a few friends drop off the face of the earth since Max passed.  Good friends - never to be heard from again.  I guess I just stopped "counting" once my life got sad.  And, people who I thought loved Maxie really never mention him at all.  Lucky for them, Mo has taken Maxie's place and "alls well that ends well".

So, what is really the point?  If the expectation is to "get over" the single most important and loved person in your life as soon as they unexpectedly and prematurely die - why would any of us ever bother to build relationships?  If you died tomorrow, would you want your parents or spouse or friends or children or siblings to "get over" you so quick?  Of course you would want them to move on and find happiness.  But, don't you think you are worth mourning?  Don't you kind of hope you are?  I know, I know, you want your funeral to be a "celebration of your life" - but then do you want the attendees to go home and say, "That was a great life and party" and then forget all about you?  Because most of them will.  After you are gone, there will only be a handful of people who care.  Your spouse will be encouraged to find someone new -perhaps as early as in the weeks following your death.  Your parents will be told to focus on your remaining siblings.  You children will be told that a year is the appropriate amount of time to grieve but people will start getting impatient with their process after a couple of months.  I'm not even dead and people have forgotten me.  And, I am not so much complaining or feeling sorry for myself because those people suck....but I am more wondering - what is the point of it all?

If my own son is someone that I should get over - there must be no relationship on earth worth investing in.  Surely, I would have thought that my relationship with Max would be the greatest investment of my life.  If relationships don't matter, if love doesn't matter, if someone's life doesn't matter, if we become valueless when we are in grief - WHAT IS THE POINT?  What is the meaning of this life?