I'm protecting me

Sunday, December 2, 2012

I want to clarify what I mean when I talk about my fears with regard to telling new people about Maxie.  My worry is actually about protecting myself.  Every time I retell the story of losing Maxie, I re-live it in a way and it hurts me.  I like people asking about Max and his life, I don't really like talking about his death and the various theories about what happened.  Now, sometimes I need to talk about those things - but I prefer to talk about them with my grief counselor or doctors or Ted or my mother.  I certainly don't want to talk about it with strangers.  I am struggling with guilt and what, if anything, I could have done differently and it all comes up when I have to re-tell the story - even if I am just saying that we think Maxie died of SIDS.  In fact, just writing that sentence makes my stomach turn.  This is one of the reasons I haven't found comfort in the grief groups, where we have to tell the story each meeting.  This is also one of the reasons I started this blog - because I want others to have a sense of who Maxie was and how he has affected our lives...not just how he died.  To me, he is not the baby who died of SIDS - he is the baby who smiled at everyone, was easy and happy, made us laugh, loved baths...and was the love of our lives.  Going to a baby and me yoga class for giggles, fun and a change of scenery with my Mo is meant to help distract me.  The idea of having to talk about my most devastating pain with new, happy, blissfully ignorant mommies is just too much to bear.  That is why I choose to take Mo to Mommy and Me yoga where the emphasis is not on conversation.  Anyway, I appreciate that several bereaved mothers reached out through comments and emails to tell me how they handle these kinds of situations.  I agree with most of them that it is better to just try and keep it to myself until it makes sense to share...in the name of self preservation.  Wish me luck.


Jayden's Mommy said...

I know i dont like to write how we lost Jayden. Death and him are not two words I can put in a sentence without feeling this acute pain in my heart. Im sorry Abby. I'm struggling very hard with the same situation. My girls are older and we have not taken them to swim class because even in a scenario like that there are always parents asking about how many children we have and so on. And with baby Kyle coming soon and Jayden's birthdate approaching is been very emotional. Anyway we always think of Maxie and you.

Taryn said...

You are so good at shining a light on the details of life of a parent who's lost a child. I am grateful that you put the time and energy into writing these things out to help the world begin to catch a glimpse of the pain that affects both the large, but most especially the small, things in life. Good luck with your class! I hope you have a fun time and that the experience will flow smoothly for you both! You are a great mom to both of your boys! So much love that is is visible in everything you do!

Susan said...

Good luck xx It is really hard, but I think it is important that you go out and there and network! I know parents who won't leave their homes or socialise with other parents because it is too scary for them. Not now, but when he gets older, certianly by the time he is 2 years old, Mo will want to have friends and play dates, and you are his bridge to the outside world. I know it is tough and crap, but that is just how it is - if you don't help Mo make friends, he won't have any :( . Also, whilst we can tell you what we did, and perhaps even suggest how we might have done it better, I think it is one of those things you have to live through yourself... you will find your own way. Sending you lots of love and compassion

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