My "secret"

You know about the Law of Attraction, right?  Where you just imagine yourself with the things you want and then they magically come to you?  If you've never heard about this before, go rent "The Secret".  Before I ever heard of The Secret or The Law of Attraction, I was practicing something similar.  It was a shift in perception that I just decided to make to help me get through a rough patch in my life.  I decided to believe (really BELIEVE) that I would get the things I wanted from life and stop worrying about what would happen if I didn't get them.  I figured that it wouldn't influence the future at all but it would probably help me live more fully in the present.  For example, I just decided to BELIEVE that I would meet the perfect man for me.  I even wrote a list of all of the things I loved about him.  He was a tall, handsome, Jewish man, who was funny, smart, a great dancer, and lots of fun.  Then I met Ted. and he is all of these things - and more!  I decided to believe that we would be able to get pregnant easily.  I figured I could always worry about it later, if it didn't happen....but that rather than stress about it, I'd just believe that it would happen.  Then Max was conceived.  I decided to believe he would be healthy and happy - and he was perfect!

Somewhere in the middle of all that, I actually did learn about the Law of Attraction and I thought - I am totally a pro at this already.  I thought about some other stuff "I got" just by thinking positively about it.  Like, when I saw pictures of this awesome goldendoodle that my friend's older brother had gotten and decided that I wanted one so much.  I looked them up online and read all about them.  Then, my friends brother and his family realized that they couldn't keep their doodle and he needed a new home - that's how Jake came into my life.  I "secreted" him!  I also got a promotion at work (I mean, I worked really hard for it too but...), Ted proposed to me (I had begun to think it may not happen but I really used a lot of energy thinking positively about it), I don't know...I could name a bunch of other things I "secreted" but suffice it to say - I actually thought there was something to it.  I wasn't conjuring up fancy cars or material things, I was dreaming about starting a family and growing my capacity for love.

Let's skip what we all know happens next - because it is doesn't fit in with the rest of my story and I put more energy into that one person than I have ever put into anything in my life.

Sometimes it feels like I ordered Mo from the baby catalog.  He is exactly what I wanted - a baby boy that looked Max, but was his own person, who was big, happy, with a funny personality and very easy.  He is perfect.  We would have loved him if he turned out to be a grumpy, tiny, baby girl (of course) - but he didn't.  My spiritual guide/yoga teacher used to tell me that I was very talented at "manifesting".  It sounds so hocus pocus....so arrogant really.  But, with the exception of one GLARING loss, my life has turned out to be everything that I imagined and hoped it would be.

Back to my little Max.  It makes no sense.  It proves the whole theory wrong...even if everything else continues to manifest perfectly.  This one person. This one life.  He was everything.  The thing that mattered most.  I literally repeated the same mantra to myself all the way to and from work every day of my pregnancy - "a healthy and happy baby with a long, long life".  Over and over and over.  I sometimes wonder if it wasn't god laughing at my arrogance.  Thinking that I could just wish for happiness and love and it would come to me.

OUR ONE GLARING LOSS!  Holy cow!  It takes the "wonderful" out of everything.  EVERYTHING.  And, remember yesterday, when I said I sometimes feel happy - well happy is almost always followed up by guilt, shame, and longing.  But, I did want other grieving parents to know that I DO, honestly, sometimes feel happy.  I would have liked to know that early in my journey.

Life is so hard without our Max....doesn't matter what else happens.  Of course we wish for a wonderful, beautiful life for us - for Mo - for his sibling(s)...but is it even possible now?  With the GLARING loss of Max?  I'm not even sure I could manifest that.