Teddy's Day

Yesterday was Teddy's birthday. We went to lunch with Auntie Beth, Cousin Sadie, and our friend Ryan.

Then Ted wanted to go to Newtown. He wanted to bring flowers to leave at the school or a memorial site.  We stopped for flowers and boxes of "cuties" tangerines. Our first stop was the Sandy Hook Healing Center, where Beth had visited already and plans on volunteering. Beth dropped off the cuties there. The healing center is a volunteer organized warehouse with food, healing classes like yoga and meditation, massage stations and a children's corner with games and art therapy. It is nice to see that there are so many good people donating their time to help heal the community. I think it will be wonderful for those people suffering with PTSD and other fear and trauma complications.

Then we drove into the town to find an appropriate place to leave the flowers. There are makeshift memorials all over Newtown. They are just mountains of flowers, stuffed animals, signs declaring "We are Sandy Hook" and "Love will see us through". It's intense. But, as a bereaved parent, maybe I was seeing it through different eyes.  It's just that people feel so helpless- so they bring flowers and stuffed animals...and now the town is moving all of the memorials to central locations. The amount of "stuff" is overwhelming. Our flowers began to feel like an empty gesture and when you think about any of it - nothing will help heal the hearts of those people who lost loved ones....those who lost their children.  Anything we do only helps us feel like we are doing something, but it doesn't help them. It's incredibly frustrating. We all, like you all, feel helpless.

I can only think of the parents who lost children, even though I know that the whole town needs healing.  I worry about them so much.  People keep calling them strong and remarking on how well they are doing and I KNOW it is because of the early trauma numbness factor.  I had a strong case of it.  Things will get so much worse from here...as it sinks in that they will never see their children again....as it sinks in that those little lights who held so much promise are out.....as everyone else in the world "gets over" Sandy Hook and those who have lost their loved ones do not.  I know that even though they are suppressing the visions of what their children's last moments were like, they won't be able to for long.  I visualize Maxie's last moments ALL of the time.  Not knowing what they were for him is torture.

A colleague of mine in Israel who I have never met but who has been supporting me from afar (and who I can't wait to meet), Yael, sent me a link to an article written by an Israeli mother who lost her son to terrorism.  I think that her words hit the nail on the head.  You can read it by clicking here.

This post lost it's way, because it started out about Teddy's birthday.  But, you know...this is what Ted wanted to do on his birthday.  It was his plan from the moment he woke up, probably even earlier.  So, back to Ted's day - We came home and just hung out - something we have been doing a lot of here in CT.  Hanging out is our favorite thing to do - We laughed and ate too much cheese and played with our baby and our niece.  Ted says he had a nice birthday.  I'm so glad.

Happy Birthday Teddy!  We love you forever!
-Abby, Maxie and Mo