Focus on the moments

Friday, December 7, 2012

I have had a few really hard interactions recently.  I try to maintain my "bubble" of a life, but it just isn't possible and there are people that I cannot avoid.  People who have hurt me incredibly.  And, the thing is, even though I know not to expect anything from these people - because they just are who they are, I still feel disappointed when they act EXACTLY how I expect them to act.  I don't know why it surprises me at all.  I feel like I have set up a few opportunities for people who hurt me to say, "You know what?  I can't believe how poorly I handled Maxie's death.  I am so sorry.  How terrible that your baby is gone."  Not only were the opportunities not taken, in their place were more hurtful words, more ignoring of the elephant in the room.  II actually think some of these people are waiting for me to apologize to them!  t just leaves me feeling so lonely.  As with everything else on this journey, my expectations will adjust, but for now it is still incredibly hard.

An interaction earlier this week knocked the wind out of me and I spent the rest of the day feeling so down.  During Mo's last nap, I just let it go and I cried and cried and cried.  I even called my mom to cry to a listening person.  "Don't let them hurt you!  Don't give them that power!", she said.  She is right, I know.  But, it is so hard.  I've always been sensitive...always had my feelings hurt easily.  When I went to get Mo after his nap, I was still crying and he was looking at me with concern.  Honestly.  He really looked concerned for me.  He gave me a few tentative smiles, as if to say, "Cheer up Mommy.  What's wrong?"  Mo is the best medicine.  Teddy's pretty good too.  He came home and I felt 1000 times less lonely.  He understands how hard this all is - it's hard for him too.

Ted gave me good advice - advice that I think people have been trying to give me all along when they say, "one breath at a time".  His advice was that we need to try and find joy in the small moments of life.  Find joy in Mo.  Find joy in our marriage.  Find joy in Jake and Layla.  Find joy in our nieces and our family.  There may not be the happy story any more but there are happy moments.  Focus on those and let everything fall away.  Good advice whatever your heartache might be.

By the way - reading all of the diaper suggestions was awesome for me - so, how's that for appreciating the small moments?  

1 comment:

SadMama said...

I'll try your suggestion - to focus on the happy moments. As you say, there is no longer a happy story (at least for me). Well, maybe happy moments might be stretching it - I could try to focus on positive moments. I do have some of those sometimes.

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