People keep asking how we are doing with the holidays.  As I mentioned, Thanksgiving was hard.  I imagine that New Years will be too.  But, we don't celebrate Christmas and it is a blessing.  I imagine that Christmas would just about kill a bereaved parent, the way that Halloween almost killed me the year after Maxie's death, but worse.  An entire season just about celebrating children - all of the music, all of the toys, all of the tv specials and commercials, all of the joy and cider and singing.  It is truly a special kind of hell for those who are living without their children I'm sure.  None of those things are important to me (well, I like cider a lot but that's about it) and I am lucky.  So lucky that I only have to deal with Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and New Years - those are bad enough (although Hanukkah was strangely not hellish - though I imagine it might become somewhat different once Mo is old enough to enjoy it.  Knowing what Maxie is missing out on will always hurt, but that holds true for everything).  My heart is broken for parents who have to endure Christmas without their children. It is like the whole world is just mocking their pain - it is so cruel.

Dear Christmas celebrating friends - I wish you so much strength to get through Christmas.  Sleep as long as you can, stay in your pajamas all day if you want, try to be present with your other children (if you have them), if you want - completely ignore the holiday if you don't have other children (I'm not Christian but I think Jesus would understand) - you can do your shopping online and you can just read a book that day.  I know, it's easier said than done.  My heart is broken for you and for what you should have this Christmas - and all Christmases to come.  You should have your little one.  You should be hiding presents in closets for weeks and then putting them under the tree you decorated with the little ornaments that they made in school.  You should be singing songs and watching the Christmas specials together, cuddled up on the couch or in bed.  I am so sorry.  So sorry that your baby is gone and your dreams are crushed and Christmas will never be the same.  Keep breathing.


Jayden's Mommy said...

This is very thoughtfull Abby. You are so sweet and ur understanding of people's feelings goes beyond. I too don't celebrate Christmas even though we are christians. We commemorate Jesus death in the spring- Passover. It is a very special time for us. Jayden's outfit was ready for it in April but he never made it to it. It was so painful. I hope once the spring comes we can breathe a little easier. And your advice is what I need stay in my PJ's all day sounds comforting in some way. Love, Kira

Nancy said...

Last year was our first Christmas without our Alexander - it was actually okay. I was about 3 months pregnant, so maybe all the morning sickness, helped me forget to be sad. But this year, we have a beautiful 6 month old girl (she was born a week before Alexander's birthday - so she is the same age he was for his first Christmas.) People told me the second year was worse - I didn't think it could be true but it is. People say "You have Julia this year - it will be wonderful" but no, it isn't. It isn't wonderful to not have my boy with us - it isn't wonderful that he isn't all excited about Santa this year. It isn't wonderful that he isn't teaching his baby sister all about Christmas.
I didn't want to even put the tree up this year - but I am glad we did - I think it has helped a little, as much as I would prefer to crawl into a hole and die some days.
I am tying to be happy for my daughters first Christmas but it is so hard when I have such a broken heart.